What To Do When You're Feeling Stuck In The Empty Nest - The Loud Quiet E133

Clancy Denton (00:00)
this week on The Loud Quiet, what to do when you're feeling stuck in the empty nest. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of The Loud Quiet. I have a question for you. Have you ever felt stuck or are you feeling stuck? Yeah, we had a great weekend. It was so much fun. Tegan flew in because we were having Easter part two with my family.

It was just a fun weekend. went to a movie, went to dinner, y'all went to a hockey game. It was just...

Rick Denton (00:38)
That was sort of almost scripted perfectly.

Clancy Denton (00:40)
Yeah, and you know, we were concerned about her getting home on Sunday. Thunderstorms. Yes, and you know, she was supposed to register on Monday and she is very much has her schedule, has her life scheduled out very much. So and any disruptions she does not like. And so we were very happy that she made it home safely. So fun weekend. Well, Rick and I just both woke up.

on Monday morning and neither one of us had even seen each other. And as I was leaving for the gym, you know, we said our good mornings and goodbye, goodbye, I'm leaving to the gym. and he said, Hey, are you okay? And I said, I just woke up feeling blah. And you said, I did too. And so we were like, okay, we'll talk about it later. And

So later we just both sat down and we're just like, we just feel stuck.

Rick Denton (01:43)
And it was that... that feeling.

Clancy Denton (01:49)
It was like a reaction.

Rick Denton (01:50)
Cool

feeling. could just feel this sort of meh-ness. And as we had talked about it a little bit more in the afternoon, I then almost introduced a cycle of guilt in that, well, wait, why are you feeling meh? Things are fine. But then I felt guilty for feeling meh and all that kind of circle. And so it just reinforced on itself. And I think that's why we decided, all right, that's what this week's episode is going to be about, Stuck in a Rudd.

Clancy Denton (02:19)
You felt guilty, I didn't, because I think my feelings are valid and

Rick Denton (02:28)
Well

now don't position me like I don't feel my own feelings are valid.

Clancy Denton (02:31)
Right, but some of the feelings that you were having were different than feelings that I was having. some of those feelings, yes, you were feeling guilty about having some of those feelings.

Rick Denton (02:42)
and

then foolish about feeling guilty.

Clancy Denton (02:45)
The

things that I was expressing, no, I am feeling those feelings and they are valid reasons to be having those feelings. As you guys know, we have our book and our book has been ready since January, pretty much. It has been available on Amazon since probably February.

And we are just in this limbo of we're ready to promote this thing, but we are waiting on some other things to fall into place before we can do that.

Rick Denton (03:33)
Like

we are working with two very helpful book marketing person and a web design person. And all of those activities are things that we've done our input and now we're waiting on the work to be done. And that feeling stuck in business is, I know that's what I'm feeling. I think that's what you have talked about a little bit is this idea of we're ready. We're so excited to share this. And while it's a soft launch, it's the equivalent of a restaurant.

that a chef is so proud of the meal that they've created and while the doors are open, nobody knows about it.

Clancy Denton (04:08)
And I will say if you are out there and you are thinking about writing a book or if you're in the process of writing your book, start your marketing before your book is even done because we had no, this is our first foray into this. We had no idea. Looking back on it, yes, we should have started this from the moment that we

had the idea of writing a book and we did, we talked about it, but you don't know where to go and the people were not in our lives at that point to help us with that. And I feel like we are with the perfect people and no fault to them, they're their job. It's just, we're sitting here like, we're ready, we're ready, we're ready.

Rick Denton (05:04)
Well, I'll give you a you talked about we should have started earlier and even though we knew it There's a little bit that as an author you want to create and you want to create the thing You don't Care about or it almost feels a little dirty I mean I want to use that word to sell the thing you want to create the piece of art or entertainment or what that looks like and the thought of Well, let's now to establish a marketing plan when we didn't even have something

that was created felt very out of sync, lesson learned. And I guarantee there are empty nesters out there listening to this right now that you now have the time to go create. And I encourage you go create that book that you've been waiting on. Just start marketing it at the same time.

Clancy Denton (05:47)
Let me give an example from a Housewives show. now this this. This is this Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for any of those of you that watch it. One of the ladies is writing a book. Well, she's having her book launch, but it's because she's taken all the photos for the cover and she has the cover, but she has nothing else. She just has the cover. So she's having a huge party.

Rick Denton (05:53)
And Rick powers down.

Clancy Denton (06:17)
for the cover. No, they're all like, wait, why are we going to a party for the cover when she hasn't even written the book yet? So no, they're actually saying, she's kind of doing this backwards.

Rick Denton (06:18)
Sorry we missed out on doing that, you're saying?

Well, maybe she knows more than we do because you're actually talking about it and that may actually

Clancy Denton (06:39)
I

still haven't seen the cover though, so...

Rick Denton (06:42)
It is though, we've been stuck in this, this business thing and folks that are, it doesn't have to be a couple that's stuck in business. Any individual can be just stuck in that kind of rut. We've also, there's that category, and I don't know that we necessarily are feeling that now, but we have felt that category of being stuck in a relationship. Not in the sense of, my gosh, I've got to get out of this relationship, but that you're treading water. We've talked, there've been times in our marriage that

it's kind of that roommate category, right? And I'm not just talking about intimacy when I talk about that. You can still sort of coexist in a house and not have that depth of relationship. And we felt stuck at times in our past.

Clancy Denton (07:24)
It totally is like ships passing in the night. mean, when you're just, and a lot of that was, you know, when the kids were younger and when you were really ruled by their schedules, even, you know, in those middle school, somewhat high school years when all you're doing, you feel like is the taxi driver driving them everywhere. yes, can suffer during that part.

Rick Denton (07:51)
Whichever spouse is the primary sort of kid caregiver, the other spouse frequently finds themselves saying, hey, wait, what about me? And that can end up being an element of stuck in a relationship. And so that stuckness can be there. Now, I do want to assure everybody, we actually have spent some time talking about how do you get out of the ruts? There's hope that is coming here later in the episode. There's other ways though for people to be stuck.

Clancy Denton (08:17)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. There are people, and I probably fell into this category when, you know, you can be stuck in self-growth. I struggled with my identity when the kids went off to college and we became empty nesters. That identity crisis that I went through...

I did not stay in that long, but yes, I can see people being stuck in that. And we've also talked about being stuck in those feelings of sadness, the fear, anxiety, those kinds of things. It's fine to have those feelings, but you can't stay stuck in them.

Rick Denton (09:04)
it's so easy. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. When I'm in kind of a funk, it is amazing how it is so satisfying to sit in that funk when it's actually an unpleasant feeling. I don't understand the satisfaction that comes from being in that space. I don't know if it's... I don't know.

Clancy Denton (09:28)
Well, I think one thing is we're humans. We are supposed to have every emotion. You can't be upbeat and happy all the time. Of course. So it's fine. Just like we all enjoy a rainy day. Sometimes we're like, ⁓ it's nice to have that rainy day and just stay inside and not have to do anything. I think sometimes our body just needs that.

I just need to have that feeling of, it's okay to have this feeling too, but we can't stay in it too long.

Rick Denton (10:08)
And that's the thing that surprises me is how I sometimes am surprised that I am satisfied to be wallowing in dissatisfaction. And that makes no sense. It's almost a, I have to realize it and break out of it at times.

Clancy Denton (10:26)
even this morning, I knew that I didn't need to be up and going as quickly as I usually do. And so I slept in 30 minutes later than I normally do. And I think that helped a little bit. So I think there are things that you can also do to help yourself get out of that meh, stuck, stuck.

feeling.

Rick Denton (10:57)
like that you brought that one up because when you were mentioning stuck in self, I think that that's something, the role absolutely, we've talked a lot about the mom role has shifted and the dad role does too. I think something that I find myself getting sort of stuck in is when there's a moment of less activity, less productivity, and it feels like I'm stuck. So it's back to the business thing, but it's not just business. I'm having to...

almost grow as a person to accept the emptiness of activity. The ticket today was talking about how boredom has been essentially removed from society and yet boredom is vital to our brains. And there's more actual studies showing that boredom is valuable. I'm having to almost, I've been stuck in self in the sense of I've got to always be productive. They're the little chip monkey kind of productive instead of some of the growth.

that I know I need to do, which is embrace that inactivity, embrace that boredom. And that stuck in self has shown up in that way for me very recently.

Clancy Denton (12:03)
I because there was a time that idle time equaled laziness. That's what we were, that's what was drilled into our head. Which I think now people have seen and that studies have shown that it's okay to disconnect for a certain amount of time and even several times throughout the day. And sometimes that gets your creative juices even flowing even more.

Rick Denton (12:12)
hands are the devil

And even if it doesn't, it's still okay that you were not productive. And that's a place that I certainly have stuck.

Clancy Denton (12:41)
I

think everyone probably struggles with it.

Rick Denton (12:45)
⁓

All right. Now I know that that was kind of yesterday we had come up with the idea of look, hey, we're in this funk, but no one, well, in spite of my wallowing comments earlier, no one wants to stay there. So how are ways that we can get out of if this funk and any other funk that appears?

Clancy Denton (13:04)
Well, we sat down yesterday afternoon and really talked through things. And I think that is probably a really important thing. If you have someone, hopefully everyone has someone, may not be, you know, we are lucky enough that we have that person in the same room who's going through the same thing that we are. So we can stop down and talk for 30, 45 minutes and break it down.

So if you can call someone or, let's go meet for coffee, just someone out there that you can reach out to, to really break down what you're going through and bounce ideas off of each other of how to get out of the stuckness.

Rick Denton (13:55)
You saying that triggered a thought for me. When I, I knew what I was feeling, but I didn't directly share that with you. Now sometimes our mornings, aren't really in the same place at the same time, but I could have. I sense something in you and I asked you about it, but you could have chosen, which is very frequently the case in couples relationship. No, I'm fine. Why did you choose to answer, I'm just in a funk today? You were walking out the door.

Saying I'm fine would have been actually quite fine at that moment. What made you say, I had a funk this morning?

Clancy Denton (14:32)
Cause I knew that it was something, what was causing it was something that was related to both of us. And I probably got the feeling that you were probably feeling it too. And so I knew that we needed to just stop down and talk about it. And so I knew that it was going to be a discussion that

has nothing to do with us. Nothing that we have done. how are we going to move forward from this?

Rick Denton (15:08)
I think that was your response. think both my choosing to ask and your choosing to answer opened up that talking about a conversation because it is so easy to say, I'm fine. Yeah. But that was, helped us begin the path of getting out of the funk by talking about it.

Clancy Denton (15:26)
Now where that conversation went, wasn't exactly planning on it, but I helped you get through some other things that you were also thinking about.

Rick Denton (15:34)
of all of our conversation.

You know, another one is we had talked about this as recognizing what's reality versus sort of a falsely self-imposed factor. Is the funk true reality? And there are people, because I had talked about that, look, part of the guilt was there are people experiencing a lot worse than, no, our business isn't quite advancing, right?

So there's reality of factors, but then there are also these self-imposed factors that aren't reality.

Clancy Denton (16:12)
Well,

we had a deadline in our head. We had in our head when we thought the best time for this book launch to be.

Rick Denton (16:23)
Because we had associated with when it would be the most valuable to people who are realizing, my gosh, holy crap, I'm an empty nest.

Clancy Denton (16:29)
And now I think we can feel that it's slipping away because of other things going on in our life that are happening. So the reality is now kicking in that that's probably not going to happen. Now, our book's not going anywhere.

Rick Denton (16:39)
It was discovery.

think that's the point though, is that the deadline is self-imposed. There is no one saying to us, well, if you don't have this available to give to a parent for graduation season, well then you have failed as a business person and a creator and an author. No, we put that on ourselves. And so recognizing what's reality versus a false self-imposed factor helped us begin to progress out of this funk.

Clancy Denton (17:15)
And I'm sure if you're going through something like that, there probably are things that you have put self-imposed deadlines on that maybe those need to shift or maybe they need to just go away to help you make whatever your project is that you have going on right now continue.

Rick Denton (17:40)
Well, we talked about, you know, And ours was a deadline, but there could be a fitness goal. Hey, I want to run a 5K by X. Well, it's important to have those. We're not suggesting that just live life without ambition, without goals, but cementing yourself in a funk because you didn't achieve a particular self-imposed goal is not a place to stay. If you didn't make the 5K this month, well then run it the next month.

Clancy Denton (18:05)
And I think then you have to pivot into, okay, if that's not going to happen, then what can I be thankful for? And what can I have gratitude for that is happening in my life right now that, you know, I can replace this feeling of bleh with.

Rick Denton (18:28)
Keyboard computer geeks will appreciate this. This is a control H. It is, you are finding the met and you are replacing it with the thankfulness. And it is amazing how when I choose to focus, there is so much that is great and I have everything you said at the beginning of this episode. That weekend was spectacular. And then to have it followed up by the day of met, it was just weird ruminating on that great hockey. Teagan was bubbly. Like she was having trouble.

control her words. She was so excited having gone to that first game. All of the other factors are our own individual health. The things that do exist in our life, there's so much for us to be thankful for that a business deadline or a self-imposed growth goal, find and replace, and it really does help. There's one that is such me that we talked about, and we've joked about my spreadsheets, and we've joked about my project management. And I actually, I...

I do have a very element of my dad in me that can be very laid back, go with the flow. I also am very much about plan, action, deliverable. And so in a case where we didn't know what was happening, well, let's set up a plan. Let's start the action and we will see the results of that action. And so that make a plan helped certainly me and I think helped us start to migrate out of that funk. There were specific things that we did yesterday.

that were tasks that were accomplished as a result of a plan that we made to address getting out of the funk.

Clancy Denton (20:03)
Yeah. And, but when you presented something I was like, no, we can't do that.

Rick Denton (20:08)
It's to have a creative partner that will just tell you

Clancy Denton (20:12)
Because again, I was like, I don't have the tools to start doing that. I want to do those things, but I don't have the tools to do them.

Rick Denton (20:24)
You can

learn skywriting in a weekend. You've got it. Don't worry about it.

Clancy Denton (20:29)
Yeah, but yes, no, I do appreciate and I do appreciate because yesterday when we were we pivoted into okay.

This week we do need to get some episodes recorded because there are some things coming up. And so I do appreciate your spreadsheets because I can look.

Rick Denton (20:53)
before

you said that word. What adjective were you going to say before the word spreadsheet? And did we have to bleep it?

Clancy Denton (20:59)
I could look and see what we have planned out so far and where we need to shuffle some things around. So at that time, I did appreciate the spreadsheet. So thank you for that.

Rick Denton (21:15)
You bet, you're welcome, dear. There's one other. And it goes back all the way to the reason that we started this podcast. And it was, we started this as a way for us just to stay connected, talk through things and process emptiness living together. So I don't know if this works for the general audience. It may work for y'all, but record an episode. And that's what the idea was. Okay, we've got this feeling.

Not just let's talk about it, let's talk about it. So record an episode.

Clancy Denton (21:50)
Yeah,

well, and I think for y'all out there, you know, we know not everyone has a podcast, not everyone has a microphone, you know, to talk, but you do have voice notes. can record things or... You talk about journaling. Journal. That's what I was going to say. Journaling, I still journal. I journal every morning. And that is a way for me to get my thoughts out, my prayers.

those kinds of things and that is huge and you can do that anytime of the day and sometimes thoughts come to me during that time, sometimes thoughts that I've had in the middle of the night, if I can recall them, I will put them into my journaling. So yeah, I mean, those are some of the things that I use and I know you write on your notepad constantly whenever you're thinking of

ideas that come up. So any of those things. you know, I'm sure you guys have ideas. Share with us those ideas that you have of how do you get unstuck? Where do you keep track of the ideas that that you have flowing in your head? Is it journaling? Is it voice notes? Is it a spreadsheet on your computer?

I'm sure everyone has their own way of doing things and we'd love to hear those ideas from you guys.

Rick Denton (23:22)
Yeah, share that. There's a couple of ways you can do it. The best one is out on the Facebook community group that is there. And if you aren't aware of that, head over to theloudquiet.com and you will be able to find that Facebook community or just send us a message. Same place, theloudquiet.com. Send us a message. We'd love to share those ideas in a future episode.

Clancy Denton (23:42)
And thanks for joining us on another episode of The Loud Quiet.