Empty Nest Solo Travel Life Inspiration with Tracy Smith - E127

Rick Denton (00:00)
Welcome back everybody to another episode of the Loud Quiet. have question for you. Have you ever wanted to rewrite your story?

Clancy Denton (00:08)
We are so excited to have Tracy Smith with us today. Tracy is a memoirist, a solo traveler and storyteller whose debut book, The Purpose of Getting Lost, chronicles her journey from decades of pretending and people pleasing to rediscovering herself across continents. Today, she uses her global adventures to explore belonging, courage, midlife reinvention, and what it really means to choose yourself. Tracy, welcome to The Loud Quiet.

Tracy Smith (00:37)
⁓ thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to talk with you both today.

Rick Denton (00:41)
Yeah, we are extremely excited as when we got to know you and know how much travel is a key part of that rewriting of the story. And I want to ask you about that like right off the bat, because at age 49, you booked not just a flight, but you booked a one way ticket to Iceland. What pushed you to take that first solo trip without any sort of back end plans? And what did you learn on day one?

Tracy Smith (01:10)
You know, I wish I could say it was that glorious because it was I was going on a group trip. I was I was going to Ireland for a group trip and some friends. I invited myself on this trip, probably like January or February. And the trip was scheduled for September. And so we're out. And I'm like, they said, we're going to Ireland. I'm like, my God, I want to go. And I within 10 minutes, I had already booked my flight.

So yeah, mean like, and it's always a round trip flight and I was going to Ireland. Well, fast forward, the winter turns to spring, spring turns to summer, and I'm talking to a guy and we're kind of just chatting or whatever and he's like, ⁓ I wanna go to Norway. And I was like, that sounds really cool. And the next thing you know, I'm looking how I can add Norway onto my Ireland trip. Now mind you, I had no idea where I was going.

I just knew I was going to Ireland and so on a group trip. So next thing you know, I am looking to change my flights to incorporate Norway and Denmark. It gets even better. Now this one, so it's a group trip to Ireland and I've never traveled out of, I've been to Puerto Rico and to Jamaica, but that was it. And with Norway, I decided,

that I was going to book it through kind of like a travel agent, but not a traditional travel agent. ⁓ Fast forward another month, I'm getting ready to leave on my trip. I'm about a week out and ⁓ something pops up like on my Facebook feed. and it was like Iceland. And the next thing you know, I'm like, wow, that sounds really cool.

round trip to Ireland, forget that I had already changed that flight to go to Norway and then home from Ireland. I now have booked a new ticket to go to Iceland. And this time I went by myself. Like I, I literally, so this flight, this, this package, this trip that was supposed to be Ireland and a group trip and my first time really crossing the Atlantic ocean now has become, I'm going to arrive in Iceland by myself and I have a ticket to Iceland.

I have a ticket home from Ireland, but anybody who knows that if you don't take the flight out, you can't take the flight home. the next thing you know, I have basically, I have this one way fare to Iceland and I have no idea what my plans are coming home from there. Yeah, so it was kind of like, I wish it was as like, my God, I just decided one day I'm gonna go to Iceland by myself, but it was more. ⁓

Let's just kind of keep changing this trip up all of a sudden to now where I'm in Iceland by myself.

Clancy Denton (04:04)
So you changed the trip so many times. You also talk about how you have changed your story. So what was the moment that you realized you needed to completely change your story?

Tracy Smith (04:18)
I don't know if I knew at the time when I was taking the trips. I took, I don't know, over the course of three years, I think I might've taken one, two, 10 is 12, maybe like 25 trips or something like that. And I don't think I knew that I was really changing my story. I just knew what was happening was with each trip that I was taking, I needed to go on another one. And what was happening even more was,

It wasn't even that I needed to go on another one. It was, needed to go even sooner on another one. Like I just couldn't keep me in there. And it wasn't probably until I went to probably maybe like Southeast Asia in January of 2024 that I had the first England that I had changed. And then by the following September, when I went back to Southeast Asia,

I knew at that moment, was like, something is really different about me. And at that point is when I was able to really look at myself and say, you are not the same person that you were two years ago.

Clancy Denton (05:26)
Mm-hmm.

Rick Denton (05:27)
Yeah. It's interesting because you're talking about.

the idea of you were changed by these experiences, but there's a part of you that these experiences were because of what you were choosing to do. And you said this the first time you went overseas even. it's almost as if you were already sort of self-directing that change and then also being changed by that change.

What triggered that? Like what is it that made you say, all right, I'm gonna just go do this?

Tracy Smith (06:03)
So when ⁓ I got divorced in 2014, and my ex-husband, he's really present and he's a great father to the kids, but what was happening was he was also in the military. So he was gone a lot, he had National Guard stuff, he had some long deployments in there, and he ended up living a little further from the kids. So the kids were with me most of the time. So at this point now I'm taking them to school every day, I'm the one who's

you know, picking them up. I'm doing dinner. I'm running them to all their sports. I'm I'm taking them everywhere and I'm really functioning both as mom and dad. And he's coming in and taking them to dinner, you know, when he's taking them to dinner and he's taking them on the weekends when he could. But what ended up happening was in twenty twenty two.

At beginning of I had been giving up so much of myself, always for the kids. I remember spring of 2019, my son had made a state track meet and I was scheduled to go to Mexico with some friends for Memorial Day weekend. The state track meet was Memorial Day weekend. And so I made a decision to cancel going on that trip.

and to go to the track meet instead. So for me, this was pretty normal. I was at one point in time, like maybe back in 2015, I was dating somebody and there was a decision to say they were going to Key West and they wanted me to come with them. And I was kind of like, well, I don't know, it's Halloween. I don't really think I can be gone that long. And so I didn't go. So I think that like for all those years, I was just given in, given in, given in and

being everything for everybody, that when this opportunity to go on this trip came up in 2022, I just made a decision to be like, I have to go. And my youngest son was still in high school at the time. So it's not like I was free of being a parent, but I was free of carpooling. And that made a huge, that made a really, you know, as you know, that made a huge difference.

Rick Denton (08:11)
The driver's license is almost a pre-emptiness test. Once they get that driver's license, then you kind of dabble in what means to be where you aren't the primary kidgiver.

Tracy Smith (08:21)
Yeah. for sure. I didn't have to drive them. I mean, the biggest one is I no longer had to drive them to and from school. Yeah. I mean, that was like, my God, what do I do with this time in the morning? I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with myself right now because I don't have to drive any day. They went to school like 15 minutes away from my house. So not to have to do that anymore was incredible.

Clancy Denton (08:43)
Yeah, that's when you're talking about Memorial Day weekend. You know, we thought we were being smart when we got married on Memorial Day weekend. We're like, ooh, four day weekend every year. No, then we had a child that played soccer and had a tournament every single year on Memorial Day weekend. So yeah, we were right there too, putting the kids first. And I mean, that's what you do as a parent.

I don't know if that's how it's supposed to be, but that's how it is. But I liked in the beginning when you said, ⁓ it wasn't some big grand thing. And when we think of reinvention or transitioning into new roles, sometimes we think it has to be some just big, huge event. But what are some small everyday things that helped you reclaim your identity?

Tracy Smith (09:31)
So when, I mean, when the kids were still at home, I started trying to, especially as they got older and again, when they started driving, I started kind of being like, well, no, mom is going to go do this tonight. I kind of started to rebuild some friendships and those were really hard decisions, but

I remember my son, especially the youngest one, he'd like, mom, what's for dinner tonight? I'm like, I don't know, mom's not coming home this evening. I'm going out to dinner with a friend. know, there's chicken in the freezer. You know how to operate the oven, make some chicken. ⁓ I think for me, those were some of the big ones. I remember in 2020, January 2020, just before COVID, I took a new job and my youngest son was in eighth grade and ⁓ they really

about a mile from his grade school and I was taking this new job and he says, well, how am going to get home every day? Because I said, I have to work until five o'clock now. Because before I had this privilege of being able to pick them up from school every single day. And so he said, well, how am going to get home from school every day? I said, well, we live a mile from the school. It's right straight down 52nd. You can walk. And I mean, they were aghast that I was kind of like, you can walk.

home and you would have thought I was telling them to walk in the snow up to four miles. I mean, I'm like, it's one mile. And so, I mean, those were some of the really early things that I started to do as a way to, because up until when I took that job in 2020, I had been working the same job for them in order to be able to, and I had been at that job for 12 years.

because I wanted to be able to pick them up from school every day. I wanted to be able to make dinner or make something right after school, do homework with them. And so for me, that was one of like a really big moment of being like, well, I'm now going to take this new job and this is what the impact on you guys is. I know I always like to include you in these decisions, but this time I'm not giving you a choice. Like this is what I'm going to do.

Clancy Denton (11:50)
Yeah.

Rick Denton (11:51)
And I mean, certainly some of things you're describing, I imagine have equipped them well as they are now moving on and launching into those spaces where, you know, mom's not there to make the chicken no matter what is on the schedule, right? They're in their own lives. I want to go back to talking about the travel part, because that is such a key part of who you are. Yeah. And one of the things that travel, I know when Clancy and I have done it, it teaches you a lot about yourself because you're in

environments, you're really having to understand who you are. Your memoir talked about belonging and really getting in that sense. What about travel has taught you the difference between fitting in versus truly belonging?

Tracy Smith (12:37)
Yeah, you know, it's really interesting because ⁓ since writing the book, I've been writing all these other essays because I really have been given a lot of thought to these ideas of identity. last night I sat down and I don't know, I just started writing this essay. And next thing you know, this essay pops out about being invisible and feeling invisible ⁓ here daily in my regular life.

I started to kind of think about to be like, well, I'm invisible at home, but what does travel give me that makes me not feel so invisible? When you would think that I would feel invisible when I'm traveling, right? Because it's not like people are noticing me and it's not like I have all these friends or that I'm doing things with people. But I think like when I travel, when I'm at home, I feel very invisible. I'm there.

Right, but people walk by you and they don't say hello. I'm on a train every day and I could be any of one of thousands of riders who take that train. ⁓ You know, I think I was thinking about yesterday, like, I take the dog out to the dog park and I know all the dogs names, but I don't think I know any of the owners names. I know one owner's name out of like 20 dogs that we see regularly.

And I, you know, there's this, there's this real sense of being invisible as you walk through your, as for me, as I walked through my daily life, even now, and especially now that the kids are gone, because at least when the kids were around their friends, you know, the friends are really good about being like, Oh, Hey, Mrs. Sikorsky. Oh, Hey, you know, they would call me Dr. Sikorsky all the time because of my PhD, but you know, some, would say that a lot, but now when I travel, it's like,

Sure, nobody knows me, but you I feel really seen as I'm walking through markets or and I don't know if it's, the accent because I sound different than them. I don't know if it's because the places I'm going where I look very different, you know, I'm not going to a lot of Western countries. And so I don't know if it's because I look so different. But there's I definitely feel more seen and.

even though I'm completely anonymous when I go to these places. And then it has this extra effect because when I'm there, I'm anonymous, right? Nobody knows me. So then the next thing you know, I'm talking to people. That's not something I do down in the dog park, right? Like down in the dog park, we're like, ⁓ Oliver and Rocket, hey, like, you know. But when I'm traveling and I'm sitting in a restaurant by myself or I'm walking through the market,

and I just strike up conversations with people, I guess I don't care as much because I'm anonymous and nobody knows me. To me, it's a really strange thing that I wish I could put my finger on what the difference is, but I'm not sure what it is.

Clancy Denton (15:46)
Well, yeah, I know even before we hopped on the recording, you know, you were talking about you're about to go to Vietnam ⁓ to attend a wedding of someone you met over there. And so you're connecting with strangers. You know, you went to Iceland by yourself. Tell us a little bit about, know, how how do you do that? Because I don't know that I would feel comfortable. You know, we we usually travel together or even with our children in tow now.

tell us how you connect to people. I mean, amazing that you got invited to someone's wedding to go back.

Tracy Smith (16:22)
Yeah, that's so crazy. ⁓ So Minh was my tour guide on the very first time I went to Vietnam. And she's like in her, she's maybe about two decades younger than me. Let's go with it like that. She's like two decades younger me. And she's really super outgoing and super friendly. And on my very first trip there, like I said, she was a tour guide. We spent the day together. And then ⁓ the next day she offered

to hang out. And I don't even really remember how it came about that we were in a nightclub, like the next night after we had spent like this whole day together. So she, we kind of just kept in touch over Facebook, not really anything major. And I loved Vietnam. So I said, I'm going back to Vietnam because I loved it so much. And then this is when I went back in September of 2024, this was the one time where I knew I had really changed because

I was heading back to Vietnam and it was an unplanned stop. had gotten scratched by a monkey in Bali and I needed a rabies shot. So I ended up, yeah. So I detoured from, to go to Malaysia and instead I went to Vietnam where I knew I could get a, and I knew I could get a rabies shot in Malaysia, but I was like, I'm just going to head back to Vietnam instead. And so ⁓ one of the things that I did, which was so out of character for me,

was I sent Min a message and I was like, what's that message? And I said, hey Min, I'm going to be in Da Nang for a few days. Do you wanna get together? Now I had never done this before. And in fact, ⁓ I've shared another story, similar story is that when my oldest son was like five or six, we lived on a military base and we had two little boys that were about a year, year and a half older. They were a grade ahead of my son. And... ⁓

I remember in the summertime, my son would be like, mommy, mommy, can I go play with those boys? And I would be like, well, they have to invite you. You can't just invite yourself to go play with them. And so that was the mentality I had been working with. mean, that's how I've grown up. It's how I thought. I still hold onto that here. Like I hear people talking about happy hour at the office and I never invite myself, even though they're sitting there talking about it right there in front of me. So in Vietnam,

I said to Min, I was like, Hey Min, do you want to get together? Now I was thinking we were just going to get together for like, you know, I don't know, maybe coffee or lunch or something. don't know. Next thing I know we're riding motorbikes with five of her best friends. We're riding motorbikes through Danang. We're, ⁓ we're shopping. I'm out buying sandals and shopping with them because they were looking for something. We went back to another nightclub later that night. I mean, he stayed out until 2 AM. like, ⁓

Yeah, yeah. so then Min invited me to come to her, ⁓ come back to her. She said, Trace, you need to come back to Vietnam and you need to come celebrate for Tet, which is the Lunar New Year. And I was like, my God, that sounds like a lot of fun. But of course, like joining another country's celebrations and holidays is really kind of scary. but then

I ended up having some time off of work. And so I said to her, said, Min, is that invitation still open? Can I come stay with your family for Tet? And she said, of course. So next thing you know, the following February, well, January to February, I'm like, I'm going to Central Highlands in Vietnam, and I'm going to go stay with Min and her family for the Lunar New Year. And so then,

I stayed at their house. I'm at all of her family. did karaoke and there was a lot of alcohol flowing and food. And I learned so much about them and they were so kind. so in the past year, that was a year ago, we've kept in touch, you know, we've kept in touch. And I don't know, maybe a month ago, no, maybe even less than a month ago, she messaged me and she said, Tracy, I'm getting married and I'd like you to come to my wedding. And I was like,

Yes, because you know, that's what we all want. We all want to be honored as a guest and somebody's one of their most important celebrations. And so for me, that was like, I told her, yes, I didn't even have to think about it. I don't even care how much the flight cost me. I don't even care that I just found out in Doha, they're having some issues and I don't know what I'm going to do about my flight. I don't even care because I'm going to, I'm going to go to her wedding. Right. And I'll figure it out.

So yeah, the epitome of belonging, being with men.

Rick Denton (21:08)
Boy, that really is. And I'm sitting here thinking about, a lot of the things that empty nesters are challenged with is building relationships and building friendships because we've all relied on our kids to be that connectivity before. What have you learned from your travels and even just the way that you approach your travels? Would you say that empty nesters should learn from

and try to apply in their lives today to help build that connectivity and create that sense of belonging in their own lives.

Tracy Smith (21:44)
Yeah, I think, you know, it's really interesting because I just before talking with you, I was talking with one of my friends who lives back in Chicago and she's been a widow for maybe about 10 years. And ⁓ she was, we were just kind of chatting about some of my writing or talking about my book and stuff. And she was like, you know, Tracy, it's so hard to find once you become a widow or like divorced or especially when you're single. So

while this applies to empty nesters as well, it's really challenging to sometimes find those social groups where you fit in, right? And to find people who you can, ⁓ who kind of accept you at the space that you're in. And that's a real challenge even for me here, here in Washington, DC. It was definitely a challenge for me back in Chicago. But the thing that happens to me when I travel,

is like, nobody knows my story. So, So like, all the story that I share, the story that I tell, and it's not like you're, you're lying about your story, but you get to kind of like, you, it's almost like you can kind of like own the parts of your story that you might be a little afraid of to own back home, right? Nobody's going to question why like a woman with blonde hair,

in pale skin is sitting in Vietnam alone. They're just not going to question that. So it never even comes up that, maybe she's divorced or maybe she's an empty nester or maybe she doesn't have any friends or none of that stuff comes up because from their perspective, I'm just this brave woman with blonde hair and pale skin sitting in a cafe in Vietnam. And so they just want to hear the story of

how I'm there or who I am and what I've seen and what I want to do. And so it really allows you to be very, it's very freeing. And I almost said to my friend today when I was chatting with her, like I started to say to her, but I realized traveling solo is not for everybody. But I almost said to her, to be like, know, Julie, maybe going on a solo trip would be right for you.

Maybe that's a way for you to kind of find some people out there that you get to embrace the Julie that you are and not these identities and all these, like all the couples who knew you as part of a couple, but you're no longer part of a couple because you're a widow. And so she said it was awkward for ⁓ her to be around them, right? So I think.

From my perspective, some of those things to do is to kind of, you have to learn how to say yes to yourself. Whatever that is, it doesn't matter if it was the small me telling my kids I'm going to dinner or no, you can walk a mile home from school. It might've been a mile and a quarter for the record. I think that's what they told me. It's a mile and a quarter, Bob.

Rick Denton (24:53)
They'll be sure and tell you that it was that full of molly.

Tracy Smith (24:56)
Yeah, yeah, And it did snow sometimes. Yeah. I'm sure that's what they would tell me. But I mean, so it starts with these very small yeses, even the smallest ones of I'm choosing to read a chapter of a book tonight instead of washing the dishes immediately after dinner. I mean, these are these are really small things that are so ingrained in us that we do them right away. And even for empty nesters, right, we

Clancy Denton (24:59)
Daniel.

Tracy Smith (25:23)
We don't really know necessarily how to say yes to ourselves because we're so used to saying yes to everybody else, to our kids, to the kids' friends. Mrs. Sikorski, can you come pick me up? Can you come do this? Of course I can come help. Of course I can do this. Of course I can take you guys wherever you need to go. And I think it starts with just trying to figure out those small, very small yeses that eventually become a big yes to I'm taking a trip.

And I'm sorry if that means to my son, you know, your grandmother has to come and stay with you and she's not going to cook for you and you're going to have to figure out how to make your own daggone chicken. Because that's what ended up happening, right? His grandma came, grandma wasn't cooking for him because she's kind of like, I've already done that for my life. She lives in New York, she's going to Chicago. And so he had to cook his own chicken,

So yeah, so I think that that's ultimately what it ended up meaning.

Clancy Denton (26:23)
I love that. I think it's great.

Rick Denton (26:24)
And I think the title of your next book needs to be Cook Your Own Chicken. ⁓

Tracy Smith (26:28)
Yeah.

Clancy Denton (26:30)
Okay, so I want to ask a question about what do your kids think because I know they're in college and I think you have one in grad school, right? And so are they jealous? they have they traveled with you yet? What's the story there?

Tracy Smith (26:45)
Yeah, so they're so different. All three of them are. So my oldest who finished grad school, he says, mom, you have an addiction. that's what he says. Mom, have an addiction. I can laugh about it, but I try not to make light of it because I know that these are real problems. But I just tell him, say, I'm OK. This is just something I feel like I need to do.

It's visceral at this point for me. And ⁓ I just need to do it. Him and I have gone on a couple trips. He went and spent three weeks in ⁓ like Italy and France over the summer. And we spent a week together in Wales before that. I think he is trying to understand, but he's, you know, as a first born, he's kind of like very...

He's got a lot of first born tendencies. you know, he's, he's definitely kind of like, mom, are you being saved? He's definitely worried. Like, are you being safe? Are you being careful? All these things. My daughter is she's a middle child. And she said, I didn't get it at first, but she recently, when we were in New Orleans for New Year's Eve, my daughter and my older son, not the younger one, but the older one. And she's finally said, she's like, I think I get it.

Like she's like, I think I get what this is doing for you. And I, and you know, that really made me feel good because even though her trip, her idea of a vacation is, you know, going to Jamaica, which we did Memorial Day weekend this year, I, she came home on, when did she come home on Wednesday night? And she's like, mom, I'm not doing anything this weekend. What are you doing? I said, Oh, I don't have any plans either. She said, we should go somewhere. The next morning I woke her up and I says, um, we're on a flight tonight to Jamaica.

And so she she likes the beach, but I think she's finally starting to understand and appreciate ⁓ what this what this does for me. My youngest, he doesn't he's like a typical youngest. He's kind of living his best life right now. He's more worried about whether or not I'll cook him chicken when I'm. Yeah. Well, I make up chicken and scrambled eggs. That's what he that's what he cares.

Rick Denton (29:06)
Well, Tracy, I know that we have really enjoyed this. know our listeners have learned some significant things from you just how travel could be such a story changer and that it's okay to choose to change your story. In spite of whatever the past was, you can take control of that and take that forward and travel is a great vehicle to make that happen. If folks wanted to get to know a little bit more about you or find out more about your book, what's the best way for them to find out more?

Tracy Smith (29:35)
So right now I'm putting a lot of my workout on Substack. And so it's a great way to see the style of writing and a lot of ⁓ I'm writing a lot there about being invisible and belonging and how we take back our power and our choice and our freedom and all these ideas of how like.

For so many years, just kind of gave them, I gave my agency to everybody else. so the, that's really kind of the big picture behind a lot of my writing over on Substack. That's at Tracy Smith PhD. ⁓ I also have a website, Tracy Smith author, and on my website, you can find all the stories about my trips under the travel blog.

There, I share them all there. And ⁓ if you also search Tracy Travels Everywhere, it will take you to the same place. It's a little easier to remember. My book is readily available. If you do a Google search, Amazon, I even found it, that it's on Target's website for purchase. Yeah, I feel like I kind of made it there.

If you really want to see the kind of writing I do go to my sub stack, subscribe to it. You'll get a real clear picture of what I'm, of how I think about life post-traveling.

Clancy Denton (30:58)
All right, guys, well, you heard it. Head on over to theloudquiet.com. We will have all of Tracy's info. And in the newsletter, the week that her episode comes out, we will have all of her links to all of the things that she just talked about, which I'm sure the stories, just the stories we got here today are great. I know, yes. Just scratching. Yes, I think I'm going to join her sub stack so I can see some of this. So thanks again, guys, for joining us on the Loud Quiet.