The 5 Question Empty Nest Check In - E23
Clancy and Rick go through 5 questions geared for empty nesters. How is this phase going, what are some needs and what does the future look like? Text is from Teagan.
Clancy Denton 0:00
Welcome to the loud quiet. Ooh, empty nester. Okay. What does that mean?
Rick Denton 0:06
I think that actually probably is the theme of the nest. What are we doing? Let's do this. Let's do this thing. Is this Recording?. Okay, yeah
Clancy Denton 0:15
great sans, children just us we need a tissue box up here to follow along on our journey and maybe you know we can learn from others.
Rick Denton 0:23
I don't have a clue how to be an empty nester there.
Clancy Denton 0:25
This is the loud quiet, living the empty nest.
Rick Denton 0:31
Everyone welcome again to the loud quiet episode 23 gotten off to a little bit of a quirky start today. So if you see a little distraction or if for those of you that watching the video, notice something a little different about us Clancy and I are not wearing our headphones. That is because as we started to record just a little while ago, suddenly Clancy's headphones stopped working. She looks down and realizes that miso has chewed through the cord, and came back for more after he finished the first round of chewing. So we're a little distracted today. All apologies. And if you see a cat, he's not electrified, but he's probably scared after running out after we've got on him a little bit. So we will do our best to give you and give us a normal episode of the loud quiet in spite of well, the cat throne is for a curve here.
Clancy Denton 1:23
Yes. And hopefully next week, we'll be back with headphones after we order another cord and another cat. Now we don't need another cat. That's
Rick Denton 1:33
right. Anyone looking for cat hit us up at the loud quiet pod.com.
Clancy Denton 1:41
But this week, I thought I've I found an article or a post that was done by a website called Heaven made marriage.com. I didn't seek them out. I just put in questions that empty nesters might ask and it pulled up an article that this website had posted that was 10 questions that you can ask each other about going into the emptiness phase or if you're already in it. So would be a good thing if for those of you who I would imagine most everyone who's listening to this is either starting out in the emptiness phase or is already in it might just be a good thing to do with your partner spouse, just to see where you're at. Maybe take another reset on what you know you're thinking we there's 10 questions, we pulled five some of them were a little redundant but so yeah, we just thought that we go through them and give our answers we haven't discussed them no. So
Rick Denton 2:49
we've we've you've read the questions to me we have not shared what our thoughts are about them. And so we'll be experiencing this listeners and viewers will be experiencing it kind of as we are and I think these can be overused and they're incredibly valuable as well and as a just let's just stop down and let's do that inventory let's do that check and these questions themselves aren't necessarily magical they're great ones it's more of the process of just stop down with your spouse and have that check in because even in the past with kids you got into routines will empty nests have their own routines
Clancy Denton 3:26
well and I like this one because it is specifically geared towards empty nesters. You know we've done several marriage trades we even did one last year before the kids left and those questions revolve around your marriage but they also tend to revolve around when your kids are still at home. So this one I liked because it was just geared towards the emptiness phase of marriage and life. So
Rick Denton 3:56
let's explore together we'll see we're gonna we're not gonna edit this is we're gonna see how this goes. All right, first
Clancy Denton 4:02
one. Well, this one's easy. But what is one country you would like us to visit? And it was as empty nesters just us not with the kids because we do still include our children in our big trips that we do. So what was your and I mean, we've kind of discussed I this is
Rick Denton 4:23
hard for me though, because there's so many and so I'm trying to narrow it down to okay, what would I want to travel exclusively with just you? And I think it's the Maldives? I think that over the water bungalow and whether it's the Maldives or somewhere, right. But that concept of the overwater bungalow that actually is a long way away, and explicitly remote. And something that's incredibly beautiful. And I would imagine incredibly relaxing. And just that vision of that exotic, that relaxing that beautiful that can't be tapped into anywhere else, I believe well, and the other part is they may be underwater in the next decade or so. So there's a element of get to the Maldives before there are no longer Maldives. Now, I could give you 10 others easily. Yes.
Clancy Denton 5:16
I mean, sitting here thinking while I like to go back to places that I went on my own, you went on your own, but we haven't been together. Yeah. But my answer for this is Greece, that's still top on my list to do because I, you know, that would be a vacation that involves relaxation, but also involved some other types of activities, historical things. And so that would be my answer.
Rick Denton 5:49
I can get on board with that one easily. Oh, sure. Yeah, we've
Clancy Denton 5:51
talked about I mean, that
Rick Denton 5:52
we didn't have the food part of it to weigh on board with us. Yeah.
Clancy Denton 5:59
So yeah, that one was pretty much
Rick Denton 6:02
what's thought about this, it is a softball. It's a way to get in what I like about this, you and I've talked travels so much. So this one's kind of okay. Yeah, Greece, okay, Maldives, that kind of stuff. And again, 10 others could easily come to mind. This is something though, that travel actually connects us and is something that we can talk about. And it cements those visions of okay, what does the future look like? And a future that includes you and includes us, I think is a part of why questions like this are so valuable, I'm going to enjoy this. Yeah.
Clancy Denton 6:31
And I think we know couples that haven't been out of the country. So this might give you a chance to explore some places that you, you know, we have actually probably done more focus trips outside of the US than we have inside the US, it'd be a
Rick Denton 6:50
great question for us to pivot to what would we want to see inside of us that we haven't seen before? Now?
Clancy Denton 6:56
All right, next, what's the one thing you need from me at this stage of our marriage? Wow,
Rick Denton 7:05
that's a tricky one. Yeah. Especially when it's the one thing that
Clancy Denton 7:10
these are all. Yes. And again, we, the last one said the one country but then we ended up talking about other things. So again, this is just to spark conversation between you and your spouse. And I don't this one to me, I. Because we've been pretty good so far. I don't feel like there's anything. Areas that this one was a lot easier to answer when we were in early stages of marriage and had kids and that kind of thing. I, for me, this one I probably need. And I know you don't like being this person, but almost accountability to start doing some of the things that I said, I noticed that he I see your face, those that are listening to your face,
Rick Denton 8:07
you sure you want me to do that?
Clancy Denton 8:10
To a certain extent, there are things that I have said I'm going to start doing and I haven't started doing any of them. So it's hard to get for me. January is a hard month to get motivated in. Because I don't need the fitness aspect of it. i That's my job. I already do that. But it's just cold. And I just want to come home and not do anything after I go to work. So I need a little prodding, and maybe I'm just saying that out loud to make myself.
Rick Denton 8:47
Right. Now, if you ever get on to me, I can go back and pull this up a second, but you told me to. Okay. All right. That's what's interesting. Again, my face that was a sincere reaction, I'd never would have expected that answer. So let's because I'm
Clancy Denton 9:01
having trouble thinking of other things right now. So
Rick Denton 9:06
well, and this question can go two ways. One it is what is one thing that's missing? Or is it just the one thing you need? And I read it as purely as written? The one thing you need, right? I'm not I'm not saying that this is necessarily missing. But I need I still need encouragement and affirmation in the things that I'm doing primarily in the career space. I also have when I thought about this, when you read this to me earlier, I was thinking the word involvement comes to mind as well. And that's woven into encouragement and affirmation. I just don't want to use the word need there. But I think I'd enjoy your involvement in some of the ideas that we've expressed, not necessarily my main line consulting company
Clancy Denton 9:56
that I can help you with and that's
Rick Denton 9:59
it Some of the things that we won't talk about here that we have talked about as ideas inspired by even this podcast that we're doing, there's some involvement that could be a part of that. And so that encouragement affirmation and maybe with a little bonus thought of involvement in what I do from a career perspective.
Clancy Denton 10:17
So do you realize that we just answered the same because I know what you're talking about? You know what I'm talking about? We just answered the same thing, just different words, which is probably more of a negative, like prodding and accountability. You chose encouragement and affirmation?
Rick Denton 10:39
Well, well, you know, we can we can dive a little deeper there. I think it shows though, that after approaching 24 years of marriage, that our thoughts do find themselves both aligning, and we're still different people and have different even on the same thing, we would have a different lens on that same thing will impact that?
Clancy Denton 11:06
All right, this one, how would you like our sex life to change in the next few years?
Rick Denton 11:13
This one, yeah. Thankfully, you and I are comfortable about talking about this kind of stuff. If you're not comfortable listening this stuff, well, then just fast forward a few put it on to x and just don't listen. It's hard to express this to St. Louis. And we try to think through this. So much of sex when the kids were around was very not scripted, but just okay, the kids are gone, let's enjoy time together, hey, we let's let's go do this, let's do that kind of stuff. To where it was, we were almost reacting to a moment rather than spontaneous elements to it. And I think that the flirtiness and the spontaneity around sex and even before sex, like a a cheeky little text during the day, or and I'm not hot sexting or anything like that. That's not what I mean. But just, you know, some kind of the fun, the flirty, and the spontaneous returning back to a sex life, that was probably more of what we had pre kids. And that's just not how it is with kids. And that's, that's okay, that didn't make that bad. It's just we no longer have that. And so that's, that's a thought that I have. If you asked me six months from now, I might have a different thought. That's what comes to mind with all of about an hour to process this question and think of an answer.
Clancy Denton 12:37
Yeah, this one. Okay. So, I would say, sex life. And I think it's kind of going along, what you are saying is, I think we're not missing, but I think we could do better in the intimacy department, which is different than the F sucks. I think like you said, having the kids and as they got older, it's gotten tougher to find times because they're around all the time. And, you know, like we said, last week, when we were on our 20s, we were in our 20s. It didn't matter if it was Tuesday afternoon, going to bed at 1030 at night, you know, now, you know, going to bed at 10 o'clock at night. Yeah, I'm going to bed. I'm not.
Rick Denton 13:38
That's not air quotes.
Clancy Denton 13:43
So I think just the I don't need so much the flirtiness or the cheekiness i i need more of the intimacy part aspect of it. What would that well, okay, so here, I actually just thought that the question about what do I need from you at the stage of our marriage? Another answer, which could doesn't necessarily involve this, but it could. I feel like since the kids have been gone, I plan every like I plan ever and you know, I'm not Yeah. So I kind of ready for you to take on some of that aspect. So and I think that could be wrapped up in this too, but it doesn't need to be I just mean just what are we going to do on Saturday? So
Rick Denton 14:48
yeah. I love it when an answer is something that I first of all agree with. i It's not a What do you mean? I suddenly I'm defensive and resist Absolutely. Really, and that's when we were talking yesterday about theater and that sort of stuff. I'm very cognizant that that has been an absolute weak point that you have been the primary vehicle for our activities. Yeah, I've thrown a few in there, right. I'm not gonna say that it's a shooting zeros. I'm aware of it. I agree. And so, yeah, I'll, uh, I'll talk to you about this theater, ideas and others that we can explore. And you know, a part of it too, is it's just so bloomin cold. And my ideas tend to think outdoors. And and you do a lot as well.
Clancy Denton 15:35
Yeah, it's been a while as well. Yeah, it's, it's trying to find indoor activities, which is not hard. We saw a great movie, another movie yesterday, it was great. But, yeah, so that that would be and kind of goes back to the last question. So All right, next. Is there a new hobby you'd like to try in this stage of life?
Rick Denton 16:00
Our eyes are distracted, because the cats are making shoes returned, that he's not snacking on
Clancy Denton 16:07
the scene of the crime.
Rick Denton 16:10
You know, I went first last time, what's the what's a new hobby you'd like to try at this stage of life? Well,
Clancy Denton 16:14
I think we, we talked about some things on our I think first or second one that we talked about wanting to do. And so I would like to try pickleball. We obviously have to wait until it warms up because I don't know there are indoor pickleball courts. But again, like I said, they're like at 930 on a Tuesday morning. Well, okay, that doesn't work. We're not retired. So that would be a new, I guess, hobby. But I also wanted to put in that I need to do a hobby of organization. And like I mentioned going through the closets, and that kind of thing. I gotta get started on doing so I'm seeing that as a hobby. Don't Don't do that. I mean, our house is organized. It's not right. cluttery at all, but the closets Yeah, need to be so that would be what?
Rick Denton 17:19
I liked the first one. I'm not so keen on the second.
Clancy Denton 17:22
I don't know how much you'll be involved in that. Because
Rick Denton 17:25
I'm so there's two actually in so I'm going to cheat.
Clancy Denton 17:30
I didn't do too as well. Well, it doesn't say just as new doesn't give you a number of nominees.
Rick Denton 17:37
I would like to learn not learn, but I actually would like to bring golf into our life. There's too much golf around us that I feel like we're missing an opportunity that if we don't at least try it. Like really give it an honest, authentic. Let's see if this can be a part of our life type thing that we live two miles from the PGA and their coaching center right there. They actually have these great lessons and coaches you've got imagine that they're bringing in some pretty good coaches there. We have kids in the state of Arizona which have golf courses out the wazoo. Like there's a part of me that thinks are we missing something by not doing so that's a new hobby that I'd like to try at the stage of life we have the time it's something I'm interested in. I don't want to call this a new hobby. But I really want to try this sometime and I want you and I both did this when we were in high school and we did in college days and it was going to Stefan and I looked and wild country 2001 Or whatever these big clubs whatever don't hold a ton of interest for me. All of them have Alright, come for free to step and lessons from like five to six The point is you come there and then you probably stay at the club like maybe even not five to six whatever. But whether that becomes an actual hobby or not, or just another activity that's on the plate go into step one because I really enjoyed that and you and I aren't big country people or anything like that yet it was still a lot of fun back then. And I think it could be a lot of fun now.
Clancy Denton 19:04
Well that's the thing I would go if they played music from our era not all of it is garbage but the sale. And I don't I don't know I don't have my Rocky Mountains anymore.
Rick Denton 19:19
Go get you some rocky mountain wrangler square butts.
Clancy Denton 19:25
Yeah. Yeah, I would go I would go for the little lesson thing or whatever. But yes, I would not want to be just thrown out on the dance floor. Absolutely
Rick Denton 19:38
not. It's been too long. Yeah.
Clancy Denton 19:42
All right. So describe what a perfect day would look like when we are retired. Well, we already referenced a couple of things that I think would be better, or well, one at least would be better served when we are retired, but
Rick Denton 20:00
So, do you have a quick answer to this? I need to noodle this a bit. Um,
Clancy Denton 20:05
well, okay the day that last week when we had frozen over and my work got canceled, which I wasn't supposed to work that day anyways, because it was a holiday. But I really enjoyed taking my time because I still went to the gym, even though I wasn't working, it was nice to roll in there at 1015, after I had done a few things around the house, you know, enjoyed my just slow getting up, not having to just get up and get out and going. It was nice, just taking my time and being on my schedule versus being on my, you know, work schedule. So I think that, you know, I always visualize, especially when it's cold, like, it would be nice to go get coffee or tea in the middle of the day with you at some of the places around us. You know, that's, that's never been our thing. We don't really do that on our Saturday mornings, now are kind of split. I mean, and
Rick Denton 21:18
we each do our own thing on Saturday morning.
Clancy Denton 21:22
You know, so I think just being able to say, Hey, do you want to go up and get some tea or a drink or a coffee? You know, I think that I would enjoy during that kind of thing we've already broached into the going to the bar at Friday at you know, 334 o'clock. So that one we we've done. But I just think those kinds of things were Hey, you know, I look at my parents to seeing that, you know, they go to the movies anytime they want, right, you know, so I think just just being able to, I don't necessarily have a perfect day in my head, but just being able to throw those things in there that right now we just we can because we're still working, obviously to put two children through college. So I think that would be just
Rick Denton 22:18
Yeah. I think hearing that there's a lot of similarity. That's when I was struggling to answer this. I was thinking I don't know that I could script a day I can script the elements to a day. And a key element is time unconstrained. If I want to get up at the crack of dawn and see a sunrise, I'll get up at crack of dawn, if I don't want to then I can just slow roll the morning. That morning is met with a coffee the quiet time then it's to the gym, getting something athletic in, I think it's that unscripted time, combined with activity. That's what a perfect day is. And that's part of I think you and I will have to figure out is what did those activity really look like? That's, I'll get bored. And so what does what does a day that is truly unscripted look like? And there's elements to I think I'm looking forward to you. And I've started dabbling even as podcast itself into the more creative output space. I think a perfect day has elements of that as well. What does that look like? What are some of the creative outputs that can be made, so a mixture of activity and creative outputs, and then it's followed with a martini, somewhere between the four and 6pm timeframe followed by a really nice dinner, followed by a relaxing evening, and a wonderful turn to bed. That's a that's a perfect day. And, and that's my stay at home day. Now, the actual Perfect Day is the one where I'm in route to the airport for my business class trip to somewhere with you. Right, you ended up in my perfect day is it's that yeah, that we're heading somewhere. We're heading to an airport with business class boarding passes in hand to go somewhere really awesome. Yeah.
Clancy Denton 24:09
Yeah. And I think the point of view saying, you know, I think when we can turn off our alarm clocks, yeah. That would be the start to the perfect day. And, again, it's not like we're just because we're retired doesn't mean that Okay, now we have to do everything together all day, every day. No, it's not going to be like that. So there's going to be activities that you're interested in that I'm not necessarily interested in. So yeah, it's but I think just not having to be like you said constrained by time. I
Rick Denton 24:49
think that's the that's the real luxury. And I think what is I've even heard even in the business world, the pre retired world, people what is them? was valuable asset. Well, it's time it's the one thing that can't be you can't add more of you can't Well, I guess you've taken the subtract, but you can't add more of it. There's no dollar amount that gets you more of that. So there's nothing more valuable than that. And having control of that, even in how I'm trying to evolve my business before I retire, is seeking to get more of that control of just what a day in the life of work looks like. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That was it. That's it. That's our fifth question. Right. That was it. Yeah. And so there's, there's five other questions on the site that you mentioned is some are duplicates. This is fun. Yeah. I definitely have learned here in this one, I guess. 20 some odd minutes. So far. I've learned something about you some things about you. And I'm afraid on what you've asked me to.
Clancy Denton 25:47
I haven't told you how there may be some limitations on you're
Rick Denton 25:53
afraid that I said the word golf. So there's fear going back and forth.
Clancy Denton 26:01
I love that we're adding like the most expensive outdoor activity to our
Rick Denton 26:07
Well, that's why I mentioned Arizona actually is it doesn't have to be the most expensive outdoor activity. You are correct that it can be something that's incredibly price even stupid pricey when we talk about the PGA specifically. But there are there are ways to explore it. And less expensive, or we just continue to play frisbee golf.
Clancy Denton 26:25
Yes. And we just go maybe we just get a golf cart that we can drive up to PGA. Well, we're going to have our
Rick Denton 26:34
little cocktail. A pretty good burger there actually Top Golf lounge did it did a nice burger. Yeah, the PGA
Clancy Denton 26:40
so yeah, but it I mean, this is just yet another way to check in. Like I said, the marriage trades were always good for that, because they usually always have some set of questions that you're supposed to go through and answer. So I think, you know, just this was a good activity for us not knowing what each other's answers were gonna be. Right? We did ours live on, it was very close. But you know, it's fine to do. We don't have problems being vulnerable with each other or with you guys.
Rick Denton 27:18
You know what, that's an issue. Like there's a thread there. I actually think that there are times that we do. And we're questions like this can help be that like, if there's a question that's forced, then we have no problem answering the question. I think though, let's let's take that question off the table, or this question set, I think it would have been not something we wouldn't have talked about sex organically, we wouldn't have talked about what you need from me or what I need from you, organically having these questions helped us move into that space that we are very comfortable. I have no problem talking to you once it's sort of initiated.
Clancy Denton 27:49
Yeah, well, because I think at other points in our marriage, and probably in most marriages, when you bring something up, it's because there's an issue going on in that area. So you know, because there have been times along our marriage that yes, we were like, look, we need to fix this because it's not working. So. So yes, but having the them right in front of your face, and you don't have to bring up the conversation does make it flow easily. So yeah, that was that was good. We have we do have a text from the girl child this week. So it's from Tegan. This was when we were at the movie yesterday. And again, like I talked about Tegan, she's very regimented. She likes her schedule. She calls every day when she's walking back from the gym. But Saturday, she doesn't usually go to the gym. So she'd be like, well, you know, I probably won't call because I'm not going to the gym. She's still scheduled. She still tags and stuff. But you know, the call is not coming in. But so she texted us while we were at the movie theater and said not sure when your guy's movie is. But I did end up having time to call today if you would like to, if you guys would like to Oh, call. So yeah.
Rick Denton 29:08
Well, thank you. Yeah, I
Clancy Denton 29:09
know. I was like, oh, okay, she has time to talk to us. Which is funny, because, you know, when we got on the phone with her, and this happened Friday night, we had friends over. And she called and so I stepped out to talk to her because I do I always answer the phone when she of course calls unless there's just some reason I can't but you know, she said, Well, I have a few minutes because I'm meeting so and so. And I said, Well, we don't have long either because we're gonna have people over and we're going through.
Rick Denton 29:40
We have a schedule. We have we have
Clancy Denton 29:44
and then yesterday she did the same thing because we called her from the car. She's alive a few minutes because I'm waiting for, you know, someone to come and pick me up because we're going so yeah, but I do. Certainly I appreciate that she calls I appreciate that. She has gotten now back into her group and is just having another you know good fun time with all of her friends it's
Rick Denton 30:04
nice to see that absolutely oh my goodness well it has been so much laughing It has been a fun ride and another episode of the loud quiet living the best
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