Sandwich Generation Life Events in the Empty Nest - E128

Rick Denton (00:00)
This week on The Loud Quiet, sandwich generation life events in the empty nest. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of The Loud Quiet. Something happened to us a couple days ago. Clancy and I had decided to meet up for a happy hour. It is one of those days in North Texas where it was just gorgeous outside. The sun was right, it wasn't too hot, it wasn't too cold. Clancy had noticed that this had started happening to her the last couple of times that she's been out and about where she's running into people that we know and...

Yes, as soon as we walked in there, we ran into an old friend of ours that we hadn't seen in a while. And one of those usual kind of greetings and that sort of thing. he'll, hey, what are you all doing out here? he was, he said he was having a happy hour with friends and after work and just getting together to do that. And he said, ⁓ well, Clancy, you look really nice. What are you all here for? And Clancy goes, I just got back from a funeral. It was the bear trap closed and we laughed.

Clancy Denton (00:53)
Yeah.

Rick Denton (00:58)
Yeah, how could he know? There was nothing. It was uncomfortable, but not actually uncomfortable.

Clancy Denton (01:03)
We

were just dressed totally opposite. You had on, you know, shorts and a...

Rick Denton (01:07)
Yeah, Duke shirt. And it was really funny to see his reaction of, sorry.

Clancy Denton (01:15)
Yeah. So we started talking about, you know, we are in the sandwich generation and in our book, we talked about that, but from a caregiving side of you're still taking care of your kids, but now somewhat you're taking care of your parents. But then we started thinking about it from this society and event side that

Okay, we're starting to hear and talk and go to weddings, but we're also, I feel like we are surrounded by funerals lately.

Rick Denton (01:58)
At

least for the most part, not exclusively so, for the most part it is our parents' generation of funerals. Longtime listeners know that it was my parents that, or my mom that passed, and so now we've got your parents that are having friends that are passing, but it's not as much our generation just yet. It's the funeral.

Clancy Denton (02:18)
It's

not our generation, but it's our friends' parents who are passing. ⁓

Rick Denton (02:23)
Exactly what I

know that sandwich of now we've entered into that world We're looking up to that generation with the funerals and then looking down to the generation below us with all the fun and the weddings

Clancy Denton (02:34)
Yeah,

I mean, the funeral I was at was one of my mom's friends. And, you know, she even said, this is the first one in her tight little group. You she has a ton of friends, but this is her small circle and this was the first one of them to pass. And so it was hard and she had struggled with Alzheimer's for a couple of years. And so.

I went to support, I knew the family as well, but I went to support my mom. ⁓

Rick Denton (03:13)
You know, I thinking about that. I want to ask you how you felt about that. Because when I think about before my mom passed, and when she and her friends and that age would start talking about, so and so sick and so so passed away, it almost...

Clancy Denton (03:34)
That's all they talk about. It's true. And you know that from both sides.

Rick Denton (03:49)
For

those of you that listen to the ticket, I just completely laid out on Clancy there just to let that sit in for a little bit. So that may be the e-break of the week going forward for us. I almost didn't really acknowledge or pay attention to it. Other than the pol- not just being polite or whatever, but you acknowledging my mom and the feelings and that sort of stuff that she had when one of her friends might pass away or that sort of thing. But it didn't hit me until now that my mom has passed when I hear about

The funeral that you went to, really got me thinking, ⁓ goodness, it's starting to happen.

Clancy Denton (04:26)
a little different because I

I was still around some of my mom's friends because we live where we live. And so I would see them more than you would probably see your mom's circle of friends.

Rick Denton (04:45)
That's

a really good point. There's a particular woman that you and I both knew that was one of my mom's good friends that passed. And her passing did kind of hit me. was like, this is a woman whose home I spent the night at because it was friends and going to their house. And because she was a mom of a friend of mine, it did feel different.

Clancy Denton (05:06)
Yeah,

I mean, it's just before I was going to this funeral, I had already planned to go to lunch with Tanner, our son. So it was just the total sandwich generation in play. went to lunch with him. You know, we talked about all kinds of life events. And then I headed to this.

celebration of life. know, people don't really call them when we we still call them funerals, but it really now is just more of let's remember them and honor them. They're not really the sad occasions. I think that they used to be it really and I actually overheard my parents and their friends saying yesterday because there were people that they hadn't seen in a long time that had moved to

other places that came back and they said, you know, it's like a reunion for them because they got to see people and they said, yeah, we really should do this on times that it's not for these reasons.

Rick Denton (06:16)
And I think we all say that. And guess what? It's probably not gonna happen because the same thing happened that any of the celebrations of life that we've been a part of. Well, yeah, everybody gets together. You see people you haven't seen in forever and to call it fun, you're not really allowed to have fun, but you are allowed to, I guess, enjoy the company of people that you haven't seen.

Clancy Denton (06:36)
Yeah,

and it was nice for me because I haven't seen some of these people and some of these people that were very important to me. You know, Sunday school teachers of mine from my high school days that I haven't seen since college and they haven't seen me probably since college, you know, and now I have grown children. So yeah, it was nice for me as well to see some of those people.

Rick Denton (07:06)
Do you think that the fact that we're sitting in the sandwich aspect of the lifestyle, like you said, not the caregiving sandwich, but the lifestyle, the life experience, the life phase sandwich.

Is it easier to take or is it more of a disconnect? Like knowing that there are upcoming weddings, there are upcoming...

young people things, how generic is that, that are coming up that are absolutely fun. Heck, all the stuff that we do going out with the younger generation is part of that sandwich that we are enjoying tapping into the things that we used to do when we were that age ourselves.

Clancy Denton (07:51)
I don't know if there's a disconnect. don't, I mean, tonight we're going, we're taking Addison and Tanner out with my parents. ⁓ I don't know what you're.

Rick Denton (08:08)
I think I should use it

as a mental disconnect, not a disconnect in the sense that these are two separate worlds and those worlds shall not cross, but more just almost, did you find that it was odd to switch when you were on, again, the highway that connected where you went to lunch with Tanner to the celebration of life? Was there an odd mental shift that you were going through?

Clancy Denton (08:38)
You know, and this is gonna sound really probably callous. No, because I feel like in the past year or two years, we've been to so many. mean, you know, and so it's not foreign to me like it would have been probably five years ago.

even to the point that our daughter, when we were visiting her last month, said, can I not come home and have to go to a funeral this summer? I mean, when your child says that to you and, and, and what do you say to that? Well, here's hoping. I mean, it's not like we can say, ⁓ sure. I mean, yes, that's not going to happen. We don't know. But when your child says that to you, because really every summer of her college life,

she has had a funeral of someone close to her to go to. so, and like I said, that probably sounds very callous of me, I've, that seems to have been our.

life the past couple of years that no, I was just, and also this was not a close family friend to me or a, you know, a close relative or anything. Again, I was there to support my mom and so that I'm sure made it easier.

to do that. But I really enjoyed my time with Tanner. We had a great time at lunch and got to talk about life and things that he's looking forward to. And we're traveling with him and Addison coming up. just those things are fun. I will say, it was nice to hear the tributes that were given at

the celebration of life, hearing those fun stories that were told, that's always nice to hear the fun memories. That's what I like is that it seems like there has been a shift in maybe the eulogies or whatever you want to call them, that they tend to be now more focused on the happy memories versus just the accolades of the person. It's just, they seem to be more

personal, I think.

Rick Denton (11:23)
And very storytelling now, right? Here's a silly story, here's a fun story, here's a sweet story, whatever that might be. I was thinking about something that the friend that we saw at happy hour that he said after we joked about stepping the bear trap, said, how did we get to the stage of life where this is what we're doing, where we're going to all of these funerals and doing that aspect of it? Do you remember when and what were the things that he had said?

Clancy Denton (11:50)
But it

was much more fun to go to bachelor parties and baby showers. And I don't know how much fun baby showers were, but.

Rick Denton (11:57)
wasn't

gonna cut him off in the moment, cause he was on a run, but I'm like, dude, baby showers suck.

Clancy Denton (12:02)
I

don't want to go to this. didn't go to a baby shower.

Rick Denton (12:05)
I went- yeah I did!

Clancy Denton (12:07)
We didn't, did we have a, we didn't ever have a couple.

Rick Denton (12:09)
I remember

sitting at Nana's patio with a baby shower where there was something

Clancy Denton (12:14)
That

must have been after, that was a small, you didn't do like the big one that I had to go to, or I got to go to, I shouldn't say had to.

Rick Denton (12:24)
It was big enough for me.

Clancy Denton (12:26)
But like I loved our couple shower in Austin. That was so much fun. I loved that shower and all of our showers, you know, but yes, those were the fun times like, and you know, we will get to do that again with our children.

Rick Denton (12:44)
I think that's what's fun about the sandwich side of this is that all of those memories that we talk about now, I hope to God that a bachelor party is not something I'm ever a part of again, but the idea of the fun of a wedding, the celebration of a wedding, all the graduation seasons, any of those kind of young adult moments that happen when people do start having...

kids and what that starts to look like, that's going to be a lot of fun and allows us to tap back into that side of it, making that part of the sandwich pretty tasty.

Clancy Denton (13:19)
That will be interesting because you know, you are a fun dad. You and Tanner like to have fun together. So what if you get invited on the bachelor part? Now I will say. Right, because and now. These bachelor and bachelorette parties, they're not parties that are trips. Everyone has to do a trip. Everything is a trip.

Rick Denton (13:32)
There's going to be lines that are drawn.

Clancy Denton (13:48)
now. So I could see you going on the trip, but maybe not doing everything that they do on the trip.

Rick Denton (13:55)
That's because if someone, it's kind of my default, if someone says, do you want to go on a trip? My answer is always yes. And then I figure out what that trip is. Because I'm always up for any sort of travel, regardless of where it is.

Clancy Denton (14:07)
That is the big difference now. And I wonder if it will ever swing back to

Let's tone it back down to it doesn't everything doesn't have to be such a big the the proposal doesn't have to be such a big production. I mean now we've even creeped it back all the way into these high school prom posals. You know.

Rick Denton (14:35)
I say to you when we were at Happy Hour yesterday, I said, I know this is me shaking my fist at clouds. It's get off my lawn, old man kind of thing. But it doesn't always have to be a production. It can just be for you, not for your audience. And which is incredibly hypocritical because here you and I are having a conversation. We're hitting record and we're about to broadcast it to the world.

So I am fully aware of the hypocrisy and possibly irony for those that know definitions better than I do of what I just said. I don't think to answer your question. No, I don't think the pendulum is going to swing back because it doesn't. No, I if I look at what has happened over time, it just seems like things just get bigger and bigger and grander and grander.

Clancy Denton (15:12)
don't think so.

I just

don't know what how much further can it go. I just don't

Rick Denton (15:24)
When you see the first influencer make a proposal on Mars, then you'll know we've really hit the next level.

Clancy Denton (15:31)
I mean, it is really just...

Rick Denton (15:34)
Mark, you know what? Crazy. Mark my words, in less than five years, there will be a space tourist that proposes on one of those orbital trips.

Clancy Denton (15:44)
And you know, I will say as the as the mother of a son, it really puts a lot of pressure on the boy.

Rick Denton (15:54)
I think you're speaking primarily the experience of like homecoming and those kinds of things.

Clancy Denton (16:00)
Even

a proposal, that puts a lot of pressure on... I mean...

Rick Denton (16:06)
I'm starting to think though, and this is very, this is me being totally naive and I'm not even talking about our family or anything specific or anything like that, but in general, I think it's less and less the boy crafting something in a vacuum. I think the couple is creating something together.

Clancy Denton (16:25)
maybe in some cases, but not, not in.

Rick Denton (16:30)
No,

I will say I no idea. It just feels that way when I look at the over the top productions.

Clancy Denton (16:36)
I really, we really can't say very much because, and I, this is in the book. So I'm not like keeping some sort of secret. We got engaged, what now 27 years ago. And what did we do? You flew me from,

We met in Costa Rica, or no, we met in Miami and then flew. We met in Miami and flew to Costa Rica. So I can't really say a lot. didn't know where we were going until I got to Miami.

Rick Denton (17:07)
And then, yes.

That definitely was the boy was the one doing the...

Clancy Denton (17:23)
Yes,

because I didn't know where we were going until we got to Miami.

Rick Denton (17:27)
But you know what was different? We have one photo from that proposal. That really sweet photo. It's one of my favorite of you smiling with your hand kind of out with the flowers in the background of after we had.

Clancy Denton (17:39)
I don't even know that you can see my ring in that.

Rick Denton (17:42)
I just mean I visualize how you're looking and smiling and happy and all of that. And me too. That's, think, the difference is it was, I was doing this as something to, well, for you, but really for us. And it's just, honestly, it's an expression because I love travel. So let's do something cool. But this is when it was, it was at a time that was before. And again, as the words are coming out of my mouth, I totally feel like the get off my lawn guy. I get it. Things have changed, things have moved.

And now people get to actually see and experience that. just, that one was just for us.

Clancy Denton (18:15)
But I'm saying not every couple has the entire photo, photographer there and everything. I'm saying, okay, you did a destination proposal. That was not common back then.

Rick Denton (18:34)
It was a test. It was a test to see you

Clancy Denton (18:36)
Who

set the standard that caused everything that I just complained about?

Rick Denton (18:43)
There's no way I was setting any standards. Nobody's paying attention to me. But what it was is a test to see is the woman that says she's willing to spend the rest of her life with me willing to travel. And there it was. we hit.

Clancy Denton (18:55)
We

had already traveled before that, but yes. So yes, we had already, we had already checked that box.

Rick Denton (18:59)
Does she have a passport?

Yeah, and I mean, see, even this, we're giggling, we're laughing, and I think that's what's kind of, it's, well, going back to my word disconnect, I still think there's kind of a mental disconnect when we have to play in both spaces, when we have to play in the funeral celebration of life space and play in the wedding ⁓ baby and all of that sort of space. And yet that disconnect doesn't feel wrong or, and even as you were saying, maybe even not odd, just...

is that we're playing in both those spaces. And I think that's where the sandwich generation is so much more than just caregiving, it's life.

Clancy Denton (19:41)
Well, one is fun and one is not fun. I mean, it is. It's just, you know, I'm hurting this week for my mom and her friends that lost their friend. And I'm hurting this week for our neighbor who lost his mom. You know, it's just been, it was really a week of

Rick Denton (19:46)
Well,

Clancy Denton (20:10)
loss around here and it just made you realize that we really are in this phase of we're going to more funerals than we have been.

Rick Denton (20:24)
ever. you start talking about, like you said, our neighbor who has mom passed, when you're talking about your friends and then your friend's parents, very specifically, that is... Well, duh, it brings it closer. I don't have any real depth of word here that can amplify more than what you just said there, but it does. You see your peers really grieving and that hurts.

Clancy Denton (20:50)
And you as someone who has been through that, what would be your biggest piece of advice for those of us who have not been through that? What would be your biggest advice to support those who have been through that?

Rick Denton (21:09)
Okay, so to be not the person who is going through it but supporting them. Yeah. Yeah. Don't tell them it's gonna be okay. Don't tell them time will heal all. Don't tell them that they're in a better place. No. Here's the words you say, I'm so sorry for your loss. They sounded like a wonderful person. When the tears have stopped, ask them, hey, tell me a little bit about your mom. Tell me a little bit about your dad. Tell me a little bit about them. What do you remember most?

Ask them to tell stories, but don't do any of that just, ⁓ boy, if you saw my blood pressure right there, I the monitor will be, I'm getting really angry. And people mean well, but that phrase does nothing to help the person who is going through it. It's not going to be okay in that moment. I don't care how long it might take. They're hurting, acknowledge they're hurt, feel bad for their hurt. And when the time is right,

Ask them to tell stories about the one that they lost.

Clancy Denton (22:10)
Well, there you go. That's good. That's good advice. I knew what your advice would be because I remember, especially when your dad died so suddenly that when people would say that to you, just, it fell on deaf ears.

Rick Denton (22:14)
I a drink after this.

And I have to, now that I've let my blood kind of calm down a little bit, I have to recognize that almost nobody goes into that trying to say the wrong thing. And heck, that's the biggest fear is saying the wrong thing. Honestly, if you're worried about saying the wrong thing, say nothing, just be there. Just physically be there. And so I don't want to totally beat up the people that everybody's trying, but well, try a little better.

Clancy Denton (22:59)
We could all try to be a little better at lots of things.

Rick Denton (23:04)
There you go. Okay. That's a lot better. Take away my snark and I appreciate that.

Clancy Denton (23:10)
When I met my friends the other night for dinner, one of them had on a shirt that said, be a better human. So there you go. That should just be our mantra for the next week.

Rick Denton (23:22)
Interesting

shirt we could talk a little bit about that. Okay

Clancy Denton (23:25)
Well, we hope you all have enjoyed our topic this week about the sandwich generation, just looking at it through a different lens. We like to hear from you all in our community. And in fact, some of the questions that we have put out, one in particular that we had, we actually discussed on our last live.

So we would really love y'all to become a part of that. If you'd like to join our community, just head over to theloudquiet.com, press that community button and it will lead you to the Facebook group. And we hope you have enjoyed this episode of The Loud Quiet.