Text Messages To My Sons - E105

Clancy Denton  0:00  
Today on the loud quiet, text messages to my sons with author Tammy J Cohen. Hey guys, welcome back to the loud quiet. So communication with your children, whatever age, but specifically for us talking about adult children, children in college, texting. But are your texts always transactional with the

Rick Denton  0:24  
kids? And that's what we're so glad today that we have Tammy Cohen, a mother who has discovered the power of communication by sending, well, exactly those daily text messages to her three adult sons. And these aren't just reminders or quick check ins, they're actually messages with real weight. Tammy realized that connecting with them meaningfully required adapting to the digital age, and eventually she actually turned that entire experience into a book called text messages to my sons where she shares her journey and insights with other parents and stick around y'all. Tammy has got something special just for the loud quiet listeners. At the end of today's episode, Tammy, welcome to the loud quiet.

Tammy J Cohen  1:16  
Thank you so much, Clancy and Rick. I'm so excited to be here, and I'm honored to be on your show.

Clancy Denton  1:23  
Well, we're so excited to have you. And yes, as Rick mentioned, we have the book, and we have read the book. It's very, very interesting and just touched me, especially being a mom in a way that I'm sure it will reach other moms as well, but you filled this book with text messages to your sons, and they're not transactional, like we said in the beginning. They're heart centered, filled with wisdom. How did you decide to send that first text? What prompted that?

Tammy J Cohen  1:58  
Oh, that's a great question. So we have to go back a little bit to the pandemic. When the pandemic first happened, which was, this is going on, you know, I started messaging with them in the middle, like in the beginning of it, I was shut down like the rest of the world, and my business kind of came to a halt, and I wasn't working as much, and I had more time in my hands. And I realized I wasn't I wasn't okay. I wasn't very happy with myself. I didn't like where I was at. And I realized I had a lot of limiting beliefs, and, like a lot of this mindset stuff, my mindset wasn't okay, wasn't happy. So I started, you know, looking into coaches and courses and programs, and I was like, you know, the Mind Valley person, and I was at unisha power within. I was like, everywhere, kind of never stopped. But I said, Wow. Like, I never learned any of this. I never heard of this, any of these things before. They don't teach anything about mindset or limiting beliefs or positivity or gratitude. They just don't teach these things in school. So I decided that I wanted to change a conversation with my kids, because even though I had one still in college, and the other two were already past college, I realized that, like every text I ever sent them was very transactional. And I said, Wow, I'm learning so many amazing things. I just, I want to share with them when I'm learning. And that's how it started. So the first text was probably like, you know, just, Hi, I'm going to share what what I read. Because one thing I was realizing is that there's such great information in books like you have these thinkers from 100 200 300 like they put, they put everything they learned in a book, and, like, you could read it and share it and like, a week or two. So that's how it really started for me. And what happened was, over time, as I started doing the habit, it started really coming from my heart, and I just started realizing that I wanted to let them know how much I love them and how worthy they are, because I never heard those things, you know, growing up, and it had an effect on me. And I, as I was learning more about my my things that I needed to work on, I was wondering, like, what impact I had on them all the times that I wasn't okay and I was reactive and not feeling very good, and and coming from that place of not feeling worthy, and all those kind of things I said, I want to, I want to, like, check in with that more and be more open and be more accountable with them. One of the things that I really learned over all the years of doing this now is that what started with my sons has had a tremendous ripple effect into every area of my life, with the way I speak to friends, community, myself, the self talk that I give myself, I realize the messages that I've been sending to them, I've been messaging myself, and it's shocking to me how I speak so differently than how I used to. Hmm, wow. My you know, you open up different pathways in your brain. When you start, you take on a habit, and you start doing things and looking at things differently. I realized this has had a ripple effect. You know, they just, they just appreciate it, and they're guys. They're not sitting there. I love you, Mommy, you're the best mommy. They don't answer our lives. They're going guys, like, they're like, What? Sometimes I get a heart emoji, or that's nice, you know, but like, it resonates with them. And I see, I see it when I don't care who the who the person is, your messenger. That could be some, a friend who needs the connection. It could be your your husband, your partner, your your niece, your nephew, your grandchild. It's knowing that somebody loves you enough and cares and thinks about you enough to do this every day means something.

Rick Denton  5:53  
How'd you choose texts? Like of all the communication methods, methods you could have done, how'd you choose text.

Tammy J Cohen  6:01  
You know, I'm not very tech at all, but I have phone, and I, you know, texting is easy. I wanted to kind of reach them where they were, like, everybody's on their phone, nobody's really sitting around having a conversation. So I said, I know they're gonna see a text that comes up. I didn't want to go through like, a platform like Instagram or social media, because the whole point was not having them go there to look at a message. However, somebody told me that their child said their son said to them, Hey, you know, okay, you want to do this, like, message me on Snapchat.

Tammy J Cohen  6:36  
He's like Snapchat.

Rick Denton  6:39  
I gotta learn Snapchat now,

Tammy J Cohen  6:41  
yeah, well, that's what they're that's where they are, that's where you're going to message them. I mean, you know, I had somebody said to me they weren't sure about how to do message. So they check in with AI, like, I'm, like, it doesn't matter. Like, just get it out there. You know, just get out that message. So wherever your kids are, and they'll tell you where they are and you know where they are, so just do it. It's not about you. It's not about what works for you. Like, you know, I'm my generation. Of course, you want to have a conversation, but it's not happening. So there's no conditionality. That's what I would say. It has to be unconditional. You send a message, they don't have to respond, right? Not about that. And you do it where they are, because you want them to see it. What's the point, if they're not going to even see it, right?

Rick Denton  7:26  
Well, and I like that idea of your say, look, it's thinking about them. It's thinking about their perspective and that. And so I'm actually kind of curious. I'm trying to get in the head of your sons, because I'm trying to think if the reverse were happening to me, and at a certain point there's probably the beginning it's like, oh yeah, Mom's gonna do this thing. But then after a while, they start to realize, oh, wait, Mom's doing this thing, and it's no longer just an idea, but she's really doing this. How did they react once they realized this was real,

Tammy J Cohen  7:56  
they like it, because that's my way of checking in also. And you know what? It's funny, they in when they wrote the poet, they wrote that the message makes them feel bulletproof, like any that they can go sideways, but like they have that message that somebody cares, that somebody's telling them they're they're amazing, or sharing something worthwhile. And I really believe that when I go on to my next life. That's what they're going to miss. They're going to miss those messages. You think they're going to think about what I bought for them. They're not going to even think about any of those things. They're going to think about I miss, I miss the message. And one of the things that really stood out to me was they were just like amazed, because I was, you know, I was going through this whole breast cancer journey and chemo and everything, and I still was messaging. And they just sell that as like, so like, it just meant so much to them. They couldn't, they couldn't believe I was still doing it, you know, like, I still, but you know what it is, Rick and Clancy, it's like, I have, I it's, this is a habit, right? Like, some people like, I have to go to the gym, like, I really feel like I want to do this. They know it like the energy when I send it, my day gets better. And I know they feel it when they read it. They're like, you know, and even if they don't read it at that moment, or they read it later, it's okay. It's just that energy exchange that's going out. And so, yeah, I think they just got used to it.

Clancy Denton  9:20  
I love that talking about how it makes you feel some power and energy, just good energy. I love that, that it's not just for them, it's for you as well. So how, how have you seen this change your relationship with your sons when you started doing this?

Tammy J Cohen  9:39  
Well, it's very interesting. We have a, I feel like we have a deeper sense of trust, you know, I think the first big change came when I started being accountable, like in the messages, I realized, like I was actually saying to them, Listen, you know, I wasn't okay all the time. You know, when you were growing up. Up. I was not happy. I had a lot of my own trauma from child, like being young, like when I was young, and I was also explaining for them, like the subconscious and the zero to seven and what happens. So I started saying to them, like when I would scream or yell or say something not nice, you know, it was not you, it was me, okay. I was triggered because I wasn't okay, and I wanted them to know that I feel like it's never too late to say to apologize, or to say like it that they it wasn't them, because what are the kid gonna think? They're just standing there and they're thinking, I'm bad. What did I do wrong? And I never wanted them to think that or have that, you know, shadow on them. And that's when I started owning, like, those those things that I that I did, that I wasn't okay with that. I I, you know, I could have done way better with that's when they started to see me as human being. That's when it kind of shifted where they it wasn't just mom, it was like, you're human and, you know, you're admitting like that. It's that you had all these things that they didn't know. So I think that was a big shift. And then also, I had been messaging them about resilience, you know, like how life brings you gifts, and treat life like it's your best friend. Your best friend will want to do right by you and give you beautiful things and gifts. And then if you do everything that comes your way, if you see it as a gift, you know what, you're going to pivot much faster. You're going to you're going to learn from it. You're going to move forward. But if you're going to look at everything is a hard is a bad thing as a hard thing, the life is going to be sucked out of you, like that. Those are always the resilience type of messages. And then here I am, you know, having to explain to them that I have a breast cancer diagnosis, and it's a very aggressive type, and blah, blah, blah. And you know what I was like, shocked, because they the whole shift became them messaging me, them saying to me, like, we got this. We're the cone family. We got this, you're strong, and we're going to be fine. And then them turning around and saying, like, every day, what can I do for you? What? How are you? What do you need? My boys were doing all the errands, doing the food shopping. I couldn't walk like My feet got really effective. My legs were affected from the treatments. And you know what, like, they just, and I'm not saying they wouldn't have done it, and it was the messages that made that happen, but I think the pattern of that communication, they were able to, you know, pivot and do it for me, and that was just absolutely a very pivotal thing for

Clancy Denton  12:40  
me. It's like you had laid the ground. Yeah, I love that.

Rick Denton  12:42  
That's great. That's what I was kind of thinking, is that there was already, when you went into that diagnosis and had to experience that they already had a pathway, the foundation. It was already there. As opposed to, how do we learn to communicate with mom and then be able to support mom. You already had that communication Foundation put in place so that they could just pivot immediately into supporting mom. It seems like you had a healthy and a positive relationship. No no relationship is perfect. I heard what you were saying, but for the most part, healthy connection with your kids as you entered into this process of texting and that just helped it grow. What would you say to parents right now that are listening to this especially empty nest, parents that are thinking, I don't even have a baseline connection with my kids? How do you help them as they might want to move forward in this idea of texting or just building communication with their kids?

Tammy J Cohen  13:37  
Well, that's an excellent question. First of all, like I the first thing I say, even it's in the book too, is that I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a coach, you know, I'm not certified in these things. I'm just a mom who did something. But look, if, if it's a situation that requires external help, like there's, you know, there's resources, and you should go, definitely have help. I think that it's never too late. Okay? Like I said, I started with my sons. They were 2726 you know, 25 in there, 2422 my youngest. It's not like they were little and we built this whole thing together. You can start at any time, and it's not a one off. So if you're gonna do this, you're gonna, you got it. You got to commit and you got to make the effort. You can't be like, I'm going to send a message on Tuesday, and then next Wednesday, I said, it's not going to work. It has to be a daily thing. And, you know, it doesn't have to start off like, my messages are long. My kids joke with me, you know, you send long messages and I'm like, it's, I have something to share, you know, but it doesn't have to start off that way. It just can just start off with, listen, you know, I admire you, and I want to get to know you, and I know that it's hard with where we're distance and everybody's running around. So I'm going to, you know, just reach out to you and tell you that I love you. And I'm going to reach out and tell you this. Yes, and I think if it's organic, and it's really comes from like a good place, I think that your child will be fine with it. I don't know anybody, regardless of how old they are, at what stage that they didn't want to know that the parent loved them, or the parent thought they were worthy. Because, you know, you grow up in the house, and sometimes you get lost with the kids, or you you get labeled, or you act a certain way, but you're not really sure where you stand in a lot of a lot of people today, especially in the area where there's a lot of in between 18 and 30 year olds, there's a level of disconnection, addictions issues with 1830 year olds. And a lot of them will say, Well, you will my parents. This, my parents, that my parents. You know, it's this, that primary relationship. So if you come out in a place of love, like not judgment, not trying to fix, there's nothing to fix, right? Okay, you can't fix, okay. You could just be empathetic and give them love and tell them they matter. Yeah, like, and that's what I do. Because somebody once said to me, and it really resonated with me, like, I'm not here to like and she's a coach. I'm not here to fix anybody. I'm here to listen. I've been doing Positive Intelligence. Shirzad shaming has this, like, amazing program, and it has emotional intelligence built into it. And one of the things that we all have is this thing called the judge. It's, it's the big it's, it's the main saboteur, like that. We all have. It sits in our left side. There's other saboteurs, but the judge is what everybody has. We judge ourselves, we judge others, we judge situations. So one of the hardest things with kids is not to judge the situation or judge what they're doing or judge something, because you love that like, but they don't see it that way. But that's why you kind of have to come from this place of just complete love, gratitude, empathy, like, and then you can get a little bit more into it with, you know, accountability and resilience. It's not something you just like, start messaging them these crazy you start, and you build up to it. And there's an important thing too, is that every, every kid, you know, it's, it's a different age, it's a different kid, almost, okay, like people, I have people reaching out to me and saying, you know, I my kid has a phone Middle School. Can I start? I'm like, you can start, but it's one type of message. From school to middle school, they're more independent, but one type of message, and that kid is now going middle school to high school, it's more independence. They still need the reminder. They'll still need the commands once they go to college, it's a different kid. You gotta go with the independence. You gotta let them they're living somewhere else. You know, you gotta be able to shift. You can't keep looking at them as that same kid who didn't do this and do that when they like. It's a different kid. And you've gotta, like, let them get go with the independence, and just be very supportive of that independence.

Clancy Denton  18:03  
Yeah, I love that we, we talk a lot about moving out of the fix it stage into being the support mentor, that kind of you know you you have those years that, yes, you have to be the parent, right? Right? But then, now that they're older, yes, you move into that more supportive role, and when they need you to be the parent, you will know when you need to be the parent, but

Rick Denton  18:31  
oftentimes they'll invite you in to be the parent, sometimes in that case, but in general, yeah, once you've made it to that point, it really is influence and nudging and not dictating Right,

Tammy J Cohen  18:41  
exactly. It just really changes.

Clancy Denton  18:44  
Okay, so you have all of these texts. How did you decide to put them in a book? And I also want to know what your sons thought about putting them in a book.

Tammy J Cohen  18:55  
Okay, that's That's another great question. So I have no intention to write a book. This was never a book, but I was telling, I would tell friends, you know, like, I tell, like, people like that. They Oh, I do this with my kids. And they're like, Wow, that's amazing. You should put in a book. Help you do that. I don't know how to write a book, so I the first edition came out in 2023, and I self publish, and I was at least, I figured, let me Google editors, because I, you know, I do, you know the text, I don't know how to format or do any of those things. So I said, Let me, let me get an editor. So I googled, and I found an editor, and I knew nothing about any of this stuff. But it's surprisingly enough, I entered in a couple of competitions, and one of them was attending the American Libraries Association Conference, which was great. And I was starting books, and that's where I met publishers. Okay, yeah. And so this, this expanded edition, is very different kind of look, feel and look, than the original book was. First of all, it has four years of message. Instead of two, it has introductions and Epilog like, Why? Why? Why message about gratitude and appreciation? Why these types of messages? That was my kids were really excited. They couldn't believe I was doing this. They thought it was really cool. They didn't want the picture in the first book anywhere. Don't put a picture. I was like, okay, like, put your can, I say, like in the in the dedication, like your names, like not your phone, just your first names. Then they got involved, and they watch party, and they were into it, and they was sharing it, and their friends were buying it. So the first book was really more friends and family kind of thing. And then this book is like, I see experts away, and they're like, saying, This is important. This is a new way to communicate. This is a great way because kids are so influenced by the algorithms, and they're looking at social media all day, and they're not they're feeling they're external. They're looking for validation over there, and you you can show them that they don't need that validation over there. Don't need to be indoctrinated over there. They don't need misinformation, because you're going to give them, you're sharing with them wisdom like you know, it's not, it's not manipulation. One one person reach out to me, and he does. He's link booked, influential LinkedIn, you know, lots of business groups, and he's like, I started, my son was getting in trouble in school every day, and I started messaging him, and I started doing this, and you know what? It stopped. He just wanted me to pay attention. He wanted me to see him. And I send them these beautiful messages. And my daughter is really young. She doesn't have a phone, so I write a little message and put in the lunch box. Now he's a different generation than me, I said, but that's what do you think it all starts from? It the message of the lunch box. I used to look at the kids who got the message lunch box

Tammy J Cohen  21:58  
on the planet.

Tammy J Cohen  22:00  
You know?

Clancy Denton  22:02  
I wanted to say, because I love, I love how you arrange the book like even, even for someone who doesn't read it as text messages. I just love the categories that is divided in. I mean, it's just very inspirational for anyone, even, even if you're not planning on doing this with your children, just reading the information that you put in this book through your text messages is just really, really uplifting. And yes, that could set your day. I could see this being a morning like

Rick Denton  22:35  
a morning devotional book. Yeah,

Tammy J Cohen  22:38  
thank you. I have a funny story for you guys. So my husband, you know, English is like his fourth language. So when he reads, he'll read in, you know, his native language. So I'll get, I would get him like, you know, a murder mystery or something translated that was a popular one in his language. So he read the book, and he was like, and I knew would be easy, because it's in text message format, and he and he read it, like, literally in a day and a half. He was like, so excited. And he was like, I gotta tell you something. He goes, it was a great book, because I had no idea you felt this way. I married 33 years, yeah, wow. He was like, I didn't, I didn't know you felt like that, and what those things. And I was just like, yeah, I didn't either, they just come out.

Rick Denton  23:26  
Yeah, that's what. Well, actually, in today, I'm learning almost for the first time, the impact that you've not this isn't just about you and your sons. Like, there, you just described it as you and your husband, how that has impacted that earlier on in the episode, you said something that cut and I wanted to go back to it, and you talked about how this has shaped how you interact with other people, and how it's even changed you internally. Why? What are you seeing when it goes beyond just your sons and how you're interacting with others in the world and how they're interacting with you.

Tammy J Cohen  24:02  
Well, I'll tell you it was really I didn't realize it. I didn't realize it until this transformative time with going through a health crisis, right? So I realized that every message I was really this was all about me connecting to myself. I was doing it to my sons, because I wanted to connect to them, but I was really messaging myself, and I didn't understand that until this happened, because I needed to be like, how could I, how could I be strong for anybody? And to what I'm talking about resilience, I'm messaging about resilience, but how could I not be resilient going through, going through, like, these things? And you know what? I started also having more faith and trust in God. I started connecting to God. I started looking at the my friends and seeing them very differently, because I was never a person who felt like I never felt like empathy and compassion and love. I used to I knew I love. My boys. I knew I loved this one, but sometimes I'd be like, Why didn't I feel those feelings? Like, I don't feel it like, what does it feel like? I never knew how to ask and I didn't know how to receive. Okay? So the messages and going through all this all came together, and I realized, like, oh, I can receive compassion and support from friends and family, and I can ask for help. That was a big thing for me. And I think of the messaging like that rewiring of the brain and starting to think along the lines of gratitude and love and family and things. It's I think that was underneath it all, you know, really positioning my head to be able to make the shift so that I was able to really connect on a different level with so many people. And I realized this is, this is like an exercise, right? Yeah, keep doing something like you play tennis, right? You can learn. You can somebody could tell you how to play tennis and, you know, okay, I have to make a serve, I have to do a forehand. What is that? Yeah, and somebody could teach you how to do it. You have to practice every day. You want to be really good at it. While you're practicing getting really good and getting better at it, your brain is making all the connections about how you play tennis and how you you get really good at it. It's not it's no different. It's forming a habit that changes the way you know, your cognition works, and that's what happened to me, and I believe that it's can happen to other people. It's interesting, because I know this is, you know, to my sons, and it's a guide. It's a guide for parents. But what I'm saying is that grandparents are loving it. I'm saying that people say to me, but I don't have children, but I have nieces and nephews, and mean everything to me. I'm messaging my niece and nephew, connections between partners, spouses, even your friends. I mean, Simon Sinek said something that was really powerful. And this is after the book, you know, was my second book, came out. And I was like, This is amazing. He was talking about his friends and the connection and not even knowing, like, you know when your friend really needs you or not need you, but like, he said that all somebody needs who's really going through a bad time is eight minutes of somebody's time to listen to them. Eight minutes. Okay? Now, the code he uses with his friends when it's something serious is they say, I need eight minutes. Most of the time you, like, your friend will say, like, hey tech. Like, they'll text you call me, like you don't know something. So, right? Minute? So, yeah, okay, that's eight minutes to help somebody. So it's about that, right? It's all about that. It's just being present. So you could do with anybody who needs it, anybody who you feel is going through something and you want to be there, because that'll mean more into them than anything.

Rick Denton  27:55  
Wow, there's so much that you've shared today that's applicable to everybody, including our audience, is primarily empty nesters. Is there something unique or particularly special that you'd want to say to the empty nester today?

Tammy J Cohen  28:12  
You're so great. You're so lucky. Like, listen chapter.

Tammy J Cohen  28:18  
I'm gonna I was an empty nester. My youngest son is living at home. But you know what? Like, it's never to extort anything. You could do anything like I'm in my 60s. Okay, if you would have told me, I don't know, five years ago that I would have founded a woman's business network. I would have a podcast. I would be doing interviews. I would written two books already, and I'd still be working. I have a blog. I looked at you like you were insane, not like, What are you talking about? Who you know? Yeah, it's never too late. And actually, you have time now to sit and let the let just think, just be. You have time to do self care, like, who could do self care while raising kids right? Who can focus on those things? There's so many good things that you could do and learn and take on and and just open up a whole new a whole new landscape. It's all, it's all what you want it to be, because those primary care giving relation things that you have to do, like when sets taken away or off you play like, put that energy into yourself and start doing new things, and your kids are going to respect you. They're going to love that you do, that. My kids love everything. They're just respect me. They can't believe what I'm doing or what I've done, and I can't believe it either, but they're supportive. They're very supportive. And I think I tell every empty nester, your kids will be so proud like trying new things and doing new things and embracing things. You know, that's your great role model when you do that actually.

Clancy Denton  29:52  
And isn't that such a flip? Because the whole time, you know, they're trying to make us proud. Of them, and then it's so nice when they're so proud of something that you've done. Absolutely look

Tammy J Cohen  30:05  
at you too. I mean, story yet, playroom, you made it to studio, and you have podcasts, and it looks amazing, and you're out there, and your kids must be like, my parents are so cool.

Rick Denton  30:19  
That's those are very kind words. And it is completely agreed this is a time of new opportunity. It absolutely is.

Clancy Denton  30:26  
Well, Tammy, tell our audience where they can find you and the special offer that you have for them today, absolutely.

Tammy J Cohen  30:34  
So I'm very easy to find. It's Tammy, J, T, A, M, M, y, j, as in Jack Cohen, C, O, H, E, n.com, that's my website. It's easy to find me. I'm on Instagram as Tammy T, A, M, M, y, j Cohen. I'm on LinkedIn, same way Tammy J Cohen, I have the domain. No, my email is connect at Tammy J Cohen com, so I'm real easy to reach and for your for your listeners, okay, we have two great things. One is a special discount code to get the book. And I believe discount code. And also, for those of you who want to taste in the book because you want to, like try it out, we have a download of the first two chapters so that you can get a taste and see if you get nothing you want to purchase, or if it's for you. Yeah. So that's that's our two that's our two giveaways that I'm excited about.

Rick Denton  31:32  
I'm very excited about that. And all of that information will be in the show notes, for sure. And then also all of this you can find at the loud, quiet.com head over there. You can get all of Tammy information. You get the sweet discounts. You can find out more about the loud, quiet community and everything else that's there, Tammy, sometimes I think ahead of time of you know, how am I going to close something out? This time i My synapses are so frozen because you've taught me so much I was really caught by the vulnerability that you shared when you said that's when it really started to unlock things with my kids, when I admitted the that I wasn't the perfect person. I think the idea of just getting started in that continuity and that cementing of the relationship that you you offered up, and then just the simple fact that this goes beyond kids, this goes into how your entire framework around interacting with other humans in your community and beyond has really caught me. I have so valued you being here. Tammy, thank you for being on the loud quiet.

Tammy J Cohen  32:38  
Thank you so much for having me. Rick and Clancy, I enjoy our conversation, and you brought out the best of me.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai