Next Play - E14

Clancy Denton  0:00  
Welcome to the loud quiet. Ooh, empty nester. Okay. What does that mean?

Rick Denton  0:06  
I think that actually probably is the theme of the test. What are we doing? Let's do this. Let's do this thing. Is this Recording. Okay yeah,

Clancy Denton  0:15  
great. Sans, children just us we need to tissue box up here. Follow along on our journey and maybe you know we can learn from others.

Rick Denton  0:23  
I don't have a clue how to be empty nester there.

Clancy Denton  0:25  
This is the loud, quiet, living the empty nest.

Rick Denton  0:31  
All right, welcome to episode 14 of the loud, quiet hope everybody enjoyed last week's episode where we ran through some of the shows that we've been watching both current ones, and ones that are from the past. And also ones from our past that we continued it was, it was fun reminiscing about that. And I hope that some of y'all that had memories of those same shows, enjoyed those memories as well. It was it was fun to have that conversation. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  0:56  
last week's episode was, you know, fun and laughs and? And yes, and, you know, just, I laughed a lot in that episode, and still just thinking about, you know, the shows. And yeah, it's

Rick Denton  1:11  
just the temptation is to keep doing it. Right.

Clancy Denton  1:14  
We could just continue to have more well, we'll do because, you know, those shows, some of them. We've already wrapped some we're still in but, you know, it's about to be the season of not being able to be outside very much. So, you know, that's how entertainment. How we entertain ourselves a lot. So

Rick Denton  1:35  
a lot of that absolutely.

Clancy Denton  1:37  
This week's episode, it's not bad. It's just something that as parents, emptiness, parents, you know, we have to deal with, it's not just the kids, right, you know, as well. You know, we had a fun start to the week. We'll talk more next week about what we did Halloween, how holidays are a little different now. And but we had, you know, fun. And then Wednesday. Wednesday just was kind of a blah, day. And I want to start with the thing that is really the first world problem of the day. But this this was my, again to reference Seinfeld. This is how I felt on Wednesday, when the topic that we discussed last week and my love and if any of you read the copy that you know, I put in there that TV is my love language. And I actually heard that on something else. I can't remember what it was now, but just someone was talking about their love of TV. But So Wednesday afternoon, it had kind of already been a kind of off day, which we'll get into. I'm sitting there It's still chilly. I have the blanket on the cat me sews up in my lap, you know about fall asleep. I had the TV on I don't think I was even paying attention to what was on because I was reading too. But I mean, all of a sudden this huge pop explosion. The TV just died. And I was just going really of all the weeks. Yeah. And again, we have four other TVs in this house that we can watch. So it's not a big deal, but it is just that's our that's our normal gathering area. So it's changed our routine a little bit because we didn't rush out and replace it but it was just under two a day. That was kind of wah wah and

Rick Denton  3:40  
it is I mean of course we all know it's but it did it felt different. When we would just well we'll say it when we would watch sopranos It feels weird to trundle upstairs and then well we're kind of the I'm sure like a lot of TV watchers at home. All right, I need another glass of water. Oh gotta go hit the restroom pause Yeah, it takes us

Clancy Denton  4:01  
a few pauses there's which again we sound

Rick Denton  4:05  
clear all this out like a bunch of wealth to the image that you put on screen by Frankfort right so it is it is very first world it just it may it should have give us an indication of the week. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  4:20  
well yeah, it just you know, like I said it was you would just come in from your the hair place that you go to which is a they have a nice setup that you come in and have a bourbon or whiskey whatever your choices and then get your haircut so I just when you walked in I said just go for another glass because this has just but yeah. Sorry. So we, you know, yeah. Our day doesn't typically start with receiving early tags from the children either one of them because they're on a different time zone and especially Tanner Tegan. Yes. Because she's usually up and doing things. But

Rick Denton  5:06  
yeah. Anything before noon or one?

Clancy Denton  5:11  
Yeah. And I don't even know how to this episode is talking about dealing with disappointment and dealing, helping your kids deal with disappointment, we had the one where we were dealing with difficult situations, this one is when they just are feeling hurt, and disappointed, because something didn't pan out the way they thought it was going to pan out. And I think I've referenced this before, but you know, we call Tanner, the golden child, which he is not, but we always just say, Oh, the sun is shining on Tanner. And you know, the clouds covered the sun a little bit this day, Tanner's just he has been one of those kids that almost everything he has tried, he has succeeded at right. And some things that he hasn't even put forth effort. He has succeeded at, you know, he had, there's really only one major disappointment that we could even kind of remember, in all of his years. And again, it worked out, it was the right thing to happen. And

Rick Denton  6:28  
to say it, it was a college choice that he wanted. And I was on the tour with him when we went to that that college. And I had texted you I said this is where Tanya is going to end up it totally is he fell in love with it. And we all fell in love with it. And that disappointment of not getting in in spite of the right scores, or yada yada all the stuff was there. And it ended up being the right thing. But that moment watching that hurt scene, especially for someone who, as you say, doesn't experience a lot of that.

Clancy Denton  6:58  
Yeah, I mean, it's and that one I think I felt worse about and this is not anything dire. Again, this is not it's just when your kid actually put forth the effort, at least to our knowledge and what you know, and really took the time, and then just did not see the results that he wanted to see again, he got excellent results. But for Tanner standards, and a lot of it is the stress and standards that he puts on himself. You know, you kind of you kind of said it, you know, he has these lofty goals and worldly put on goals. And this time his path is probably going to veer a little bit which again, though, the worldly lofty goals may not be what we are he necessarily in the end want

Rick Denton  8:01  
especially in well actually in all careers, right. But especially in this one where there is a a pinnacle of company or pinnacle of firm or Pinnacle will while you might achieve that, I've also seen a lot of lifestyles that are not what someone might actually want. And this is not his world, not the world that Tanner's going into but analogous is when I was in consulting, and the aspiration of consulting at that time a lot have gone public now but was to make partner and I without verbalizing it early on, but I think I knew right away. The last thing I wanted to be was partner because I saw mostly tan lines where there used to be wedding rings. And I thought, well, yay, that you're making the bank. But what about your family? And not that my gosh, I have now just described a 40 year career path for Tanner based off of one thing. It's just this this disappointment probably reduces his options by a category and what that means.

Clancy Denton  9:00  
And again, that's like the lofty options that have been knocked down a notch which, like we've said, you know, is probably, you know, I even said that to him over text before we started phone calls. You know, you and everyone said this when every kid is applying to college, you will end up where you're supposed to end up. Absolutely, you know, the school that he is at. We never even had that on our radar. never even

Rick Denton  9:31  
thought I think I'd put a little differently. Yeah, it was off my radar. I was off to go there.

Clancy Denton  9:37  
And he has had the best experience the best opportunities, you know, it's just this, this Dong, and he's just going through. He's kind of I almost equate it to, and I think we all kind of felt this senior year of college. But you and I went into Good jobs. Yeah, we, you know, reject his. And but I'm not even talking about his. So he sees his friends that aren't continuing their education, they're getting their job offers. They're a little more relaxed. You know, he's still in the phase of, I have three more years of school. And, you know, I don't know. And again, this is like college, I won't know until next, maybe even April, yeah, where I'm going to be for the next three years. So he sees the different sides of that's all the different, you know, things going on senior year, and he's still in the phase of, but I'm still trying to plan my next step of education.

Rick Denton  10:51  
A lot of that is certain for those folks, folks. And then now it's uncertain for him. Heck, he's even got, you know, a sister who has signed a lease for next year. And he can't even do simple things like where am I going to live? Right next year? Yeah. And and that, and it is, you know, when you're seeing that disappointment, it, it's, we got to experience the story that we were talking about earlier, that disappointment of which school choice? Well, he was here. It was part of experiencing that with him, and he could talk to us and be with us. This felt different. Yeah.

Clancy Denton  11:25  
Well, I mean, you know, but you know, he called you first and taught because he's also he's just, he's in a little, you know, he's in the, you know, life has ebbs and flows. He's kind of in the pit of the flow right now. Yeah. And, you know, he's been trying to find a job, he has an excellent, excellent paying, roughing job. But he doesn't want to work every weekend of his senior year, which we get. And he, you know, there's

Rick Denton  12:00  
a slowness to the pay and all that. So he, I mean, he called and talked to me, which we'll have to explore that later. As you know, how that call came in. To me. It was, it was interesting, such an overused word. It was I'm sitting there at work. I'm in my office. And I'm trying and thankfully, I just wrapped like, I could give him full attention. It wasn't like, oh, my gosh, dude, I can't talk to you. But for five minutes, I had all the time in the world at that exact moment. It just, it felt so odd to do this remotely. It felt so and especially even more so than I think when he was here in high school, it wasn't like we were helicopter even when they were in high school. But you felt like you could suggest or recommend or do when I knew that my role there was primarily to to say, Man, I'm just sorry, I, man, I know that you put in all the effort, the effort in and of itself has value. Don't just look at the results. And oh, by the way, your results are stupid. Good. So there was a little bit when emotion subsided a bit, you know, sort of shut your piehole you actually did really well. It was having to do that without him being here. Like, you and I both had different reactions around. Okay, what can we do for him? Right? Whereas if he was here, you know, hey, let's go get him some cookies or whatever you might do as a parent. Yeah. And

Clancy Denton  13:20  
I've done that, you know, because he has, it's not like his college career has just been, you know, home run after home run. But it mostly he hasn't had too many difficult situations. And the difficult situations he has had have not been something that's going to affect the next step of his future. But I think it was good that you talk to him first, because then later he called me. And, you know, he was I was listening and listening and you know, then he was piling on, you know, in, in Japanese class is so much harder this semester. And I'm sitting there going, Okay, well, dude, you're in third level Japanese. So yes. And, and so I think it was a little bit that you were good cop and bad cop because I said, Well, I do know what you've been doing all semester, because you tell us everything you do. I said y'all have been enjoying your life. He was like, well, yes by now. But again, I don't want you to change that. But you know, you're not at home. Studying on a Friday night like your sister is because she knows she has all these plans on Saturday. You're going out and then trying to still catch up with everything. So again, I think it was good that he may have gotten which is a little bit opposite roles. But you know, and yes, we that night was the Rangers game and so and he got to see them when he you know, we we sent him a little gift to go out and have some fun and

Rick Denton  15:03  
and that's, I think so thinking about this in the context of empty nest, I think that's probably going to actually I shouldn't say probably because I don't know where that's gonna go, but it is. So now what can we do and it's not always about gifts or that kind of stuff. But that was a way for us to express concern, because it helped address a particular need of his at that point. So we address that need, what's that going to look like, you know, as he kind of evolves and keeps going, and not just he, all of our kids all of our role. It's been interesting just to feel this evolution over a period of months. And I

Clancy Denton  15:33  
do I think, I do think that's where I don't know if it's necessarily love language, but we all have our wounds, because we go through disappointments all the time. I mean, as adults, it's not like you're free from disappointments. That's not how life is. And we all have our comforts that we write, you know, enjoy, whether it's, you know, food beverage, you know, we now I and I did tell Tanner this when we were talking, I said don't, you know, especially college age, don't I said do not go out and use alcohol to medicate yourself. And he said, No, Mom, he said, I don't. He's like, That's not my Yeah, I'm not doing that. So you know, but he did. I'll get back to that slide. But he did, which is our text. He did go out and enjoy himself. In another way he was. He said, By the way, Casey Moore's fried pickles might be the cure to happiness. So yeah, he's done. He did go out and have and he actually did go, they all went and watched the Rangers game at their pub, that's right by them. And he said, I wasn't the most popular person because he had on his Rangers gear, but so you know, at least some fine with us. And some good things, you know, did happen. For him that day, actually, he sent us a couple of texts that evening that, you know, some things had already.

Rick Denton  17:11  
And you know what, that's something that we talked about that all the way back when we were dropping Teagan off at school, it was nice to get that text of, okay, you've hit your trough. Now you're coming up, whatever, there's not that you can hit a trough, but rather just that, okay, you're okay. Yeah. And I think that's going to be because we can't observe them. When they were home, we could observe them. And I am so thankful that that communication is in place. And hopefully we're modeling that for them. So they do that with their kids. And I hope that continues on. We're not just kind of wondering, you know, after some disappointment when they're 35. How you doing? Yeah, that we don't have to do it. And I think we've got that. I hope that it stays. And I think it should,

Clancy Denton  17:52  
and you could see, you know, I actually did you know, I was just like looking at stuff about disappointment this week. And, you know, there are stages that you go through, just like and we could, you know, you could see him going through, you know, he's definitely not probably out of it. But he had things. He worked a tournament, I think all weekend and he had things going on. And so he just needed a reset. Yeah. And then he'll get back into the things that he needs to get into and continue on with, you know, earlier this week, but I wasn't gonna send this to him just because he's probably a lot like me, he's probably a lot like all of us. You don't want to hear it's gonna be okay. But I did like this. It says Don't let today's disappointment cast a shadow on tomorrow's dream. Because like we've seen in our lives, being in our 50s You know, sometimes the disappointments are the right thing to happen. Sometimes they're not. But sometimes, you know, you frequently are

Rick Denton  19:04  
the most and you grow the most from your failures. And again, we have to keep watching I have watched my it's not a failure failure. It's a business where you either fail fast and that kind of thing. This concept though of don't let it's a very sports generated or sports oriented comment as well. And that is your coaches will tell players don't let don't let that flag don't let that play affect the next play. Don't let this game affect the next game next to play was one of Coach K's key phrases next play and I know a lot of coaches say that it just was something of his too. And I do actually sincerely believe that about Tana that he's a very good next play person. I know that something he did not inherit from me I struggle with next place sometimes and I'm glad to see him doing that.

Clancy Denton  19:50  
Yes, yes. That's a really good point about him is that yes, he and you know, I don't know if that's good that he Maybe compartmentalizes it and stuffs it down somewhere or if he truly has that ability, processed it and moved on. Yeah. Yeah. So and, and like we said, you know, a lot, we can look at our lives and a lot of the disappointments have equated and do bigger and better things. So it's the path. It's the journey that he's supposed to be on. And but it is just I don't recall having to do this with him or her. I mean, well, we had her issue, but that was more of a, it wasn't a disappointment it was dealing with crazy. But you know, from afar, like you said, it's just, you can't hug them. You can't? Yeah, you know, see their face? And so it was different, for sure. And

Rick Denton  21:01  
hopefully, we've navigated this one. Well, I don't want to have too many more of these lessons.

Clancy Denton  21:08  
i Oh, Lord. I mean, they are still Yeah, of course,

Rick Denton  21:12  
there are going to be these lessons. I said, I hope

Clancy Denton  21:15  
Yeah. I mean, I you know, it our parents, even into their, you know, age that they are still probably dealing with when their kids are disappointed. You know, I know, we've all, all three of their kids have had jobs, they didn't get promotions, they didn't get something they wanted that you know, so it never really, boy that

Rick Denton  21:47  
I hadn't even kissed you're, you're actually kind of breaking my brain a little bit here, because I have thought to myself several times, you know, with my dad passed away in 2003. And here it is in 2023. Right, or 2023 that we're talking? There have been many times that I would have thought in the midst of a disappointment, or a question or challenge. I'd really like to actually ask my dad about that. And now with my mom that it was mom and deep stage Alzheimer's, I can't ask that, that there. I'm glad we can continue to provide that for our kids. I hadn't thought about it in the reverse. Like you're describing thinking about our parents. And when that's not there. Yeah. I think you just kind of broke my brain.

Clancy Denton  22:32  
Wow. So yeah, so I'm sure we're just, you know, we're in for a long life of ups and downs. And that's life. I mean, that's just what life is. You can't be you know, this way, but it also you have to deal with it. You can't dwell on it. And it does. I'm sorry, go ahead. Oh, no, no, no, I just was thinking, but that is one, that's another topic that I would really, really like to get into. I just want a professional to be on as our guest is, sometimes these kids can't deal with a disappointment, and then depression, you know, mental illness, like, you know, which is a very true and increasing Yes. Amount. Yeah. And so, you know, that's, that's a topic. So if anyone is listening to this, and you have any contacts that you might think, would be willing to come on as our guest professional guest. Please reach out?

Rick Denton  23:42  
I was, yeah, on that one? Absolutely. Absolutely. We want to make sure that we can let that be a conversation facilitated by a professional. The The last thing I was going to kind of say about that is, is it does provide another moment of connection. Like when you said the highs and the lows, it reminded me that we celebrate those highs with them, and that we you know, are there for them in the lows it does. It's part of being this human unit that we call a family. And it helps build those bridges. So while I will never ever root for a negative experience for my children, I will see the silver lining, but that does help bring us closer. Yeah.

Clancy Denton  24:22  
And I think the way that we as parents choose to react, you know, everyone reacts differently. And so I think it's true that to keep that good relationship with your kids. You have to sometimes check what you really want to say and you know, listen, and be comforting and guide them you know, they're adults now guide them when they want the guidance. Absolutely. Wait a lot more questions and statements which that is usually my issue because I have you know a list Okay, here's what you can do. And I know they don't want to hear that so here's what I can do unless they ask when they asked then I will help but yeah, so that was kind of our want want Wednesday but we ended our weekend though. Really fun. We actually tried something new that it's not pickleball that Tanner actually introduced to over the summer he really got into playing Dizzy golf disc I guess it's disc golf now.

Rick Denton  25:33  
I have to I have to check myself every time because it's frisbee golf to me. And I remember the first time I played in high school with a big ol laugh camera, but not Hasbro. But like

Clancy Denton  25:43  
maybe there was some brand of Frisbee. Yeah, maybe this Frisbee?

Rick Denton  25:46  
Probably. Yeah. Gorgeous. Saturday afternoon with the shippers went out there. The waters somewhat dramatic though it it was a lot of fun to be able to be out there and, and just do something kind of silly and fun.

Clancy Denton  26:02  
It was it was just we had already had on the calendar that we were, you know, doing something with them on Saturday, which it's so crazy that I feel like now that we're empty nesters. Our calendar is more busy than we were out of.

Rick Denton  26:19  
Yes. You know, yeah.

Clancy Denton  26:20  
Now we that is true. I guess we can say yes to more things. But so we were kind of going back and forth. And I was like huh, it's gonna be nice. They're outdoorsy people, you know, we like to be active all of us. So I just thought well, there's a disc golf course that's really nice park, you know, right by us. And then there's a bar that sports bar. I don't know what you call it brass top anyway, just kind of a casual American Bar. Yeah, that's literally across the street. So we can go there after and drinks and food. And so I threw out this suggestion. And they were like, oh, yeah, let's do that. And I mean, we Yeah, it was fun. And like I said, I didn't suck as badly as I thought I was going to win. We left a lot of like, yeah, there was a there was mud, because we've had a ton of rain, but it was still fine to get around. Only one of us ended up in the water twice. That was the one who played

Rick Denton  27:19  
before. And yeah, I was in the water a lot. Yeah. So

Clancy Denton  27:23  
that's fun trying to find a tree to get your try to get your

Rick Denton  27:28  
Friday. I've never been more thankful to be wearing my hiking boots and my old hiking boots, because those were just cut. Yeah, but by the time I got that one out, but

Clancy Denton  27:37  
it really it was just because again, this is an activity that you can talk while you're doing it. Because you know, it's not like pickleball when you're going which we still haven't tried but we are it's on our list. And yeah, it was just it was just a really, really nice afternoon. Nice way to end the weekend. The

Rick Denton  27:58  
Walking the talking all that? Yeah, I mean. So to those who haven't discovered find a place it was like, I mean, what was this kit? $19 for? Oh,

Clancy Denton  28:06  
yeah, Amazon, there's just a basic starter kit. You know, we didn't have discs? Oh, yeah. According

Rick Denton  28:12  
to the real people that you see out there throw in discs for hundreds of yards. We were like, oh, yeah, 20 yards.

Clancy Denton  28:18  
But we were we weren't Yes, we were just out there would be together. What did

Rick Denton  28:23  
JP he kept for? I don't think he intended to but I think he was referencing our first episode. He kept saying we're not professionals. Professionals. So I don't know if that was an intention, an intentional reference, but I kept thinking that Yeah, we were definitely not disc golf professional. Yeah,

Clancy Denton  28:39  
but it was fun to catch up with them. And you know, our daughters were our you know, yeah, very good friends. And they talk still, I think pretty much every day and so via text. So yeah, it was just good to catch up and see what everyone's up to and how all the kiddos are doing and getting Yeah, good times. Yeah, that was fun. So what are we'll see what our next week holds and

Rick Denton  29:09  
I know we've got holidays on the brain so yeah, think about that.

Clancy Denton  29:11  
Well, that's yeah, next episode we're gonna kind of talk about how they're going to be different and

Rick Denton  29:17  
a little a little teaser there. But yeah, holidays are gonna be different.

Clancy Denton  29:21  
So excited about this countdown is on the kids will be home in five weeks. Oh, I didn't know the countdown had been started the countdown because it's five weeks there'll be well, I

Rick Denton  29:32  
don't think he made the camera much but I'm sure that this one he may not be counting down but Misa was probably very ready to well, who knows? Or he'll feel intruded upon. We're not sure he has taken over Tanner's bed. Yeah.

Clancy Denton  29:44  
Yeah, he's taken over the upstairs pretty much. Absolutely. So there you go. Just enjoyed listening to our therapy session again.

Rick Denton  29:55  
Yes, thank you. For those of us that are the audience in our therapy session. I like that.

Clancy Denton  29:59  
I am Thanks for sticking with us. Those of you who are continuing to listen, watch we we really do appreciate it and absolutely. I mean, we'll keep it going. We're almost to the end of 2023. So we'll see how this goes. been

Rick Denton  30:19  
fun. Another episode of the loud quiet, living the empty nest

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