Empty Nest sadness returns when college kids spring back to school – E121

Clancy Denton (00:00)
On this week's episode of The Loud Quiet, emptiness, sadness returns when college kids spring back to school. Hey guys, welcome back to The Loud Quiet. ⁓ First of all, apologies. Our voices are going to be little scratchy this week. We just got back from Podfest yesterday, which I'm sure we will be doing an episode about or be bringing up things that we learned while we were there, but

Today, when we got home, guess what arrived on our front porch? We are so excited. If you're watching the video, you can see we have replaced the microphone with the copy of our book. Our book has made it. It is here. This is the author's copy. We have to proof it. And then pre-sales will begin.

Rick Denton (00:34)
What?

It is so much fun to put that in our hands. It's something to see.

Clancy Denton (00:56)
Yeah,

we're really excited about it and we got to share a lot about it while we were at PodFest. So we would love for y'all to go to our website, theloudquiet.com. There's a book button at the top. You can right now get the intro for free. And that's where all the pre-sale information will be ⁓ ASAP.

Rick Denton (01:20)
also on that, website is a link to the Facebook community. And this episode is going to be entirely inspired by the Facebook community. This was not planned. You sometimes we think about, what are some episodes we want to do, that sort of stuff. This time, because of what y'all had put out there, we wanted to spend some time talking about that. And Clancy, you had put a comment, I'm not going to get the exact quote right, but basically, you know, feeling it and realizing

when your kid goes back in the spring semester that you start to feel it again, it being that emptiness sort of sadness.

Clancy Denton (01:58)
Even though we've been through it now for this is going on year seven and this will be her last year coming up. It's crazy how I still just get emotional. mean, I love my child. I love both my children. I know, but it is just... I... y'all drove off and I went to the gym and I think I even put this in my...

Rick Denton (02:14)
You sound like you're being apologetic.

Clancy Denton (02:27)
comment that I made that Christopher Cross sailing came on and I just started tearing up and crying. was like, my gosh, I'm going to see her in like three weeks. But it's just weird. yeah, so I figured if I was feeling it, there's probably some of the other people out there that are feeling it. And yeah, we had a lot of good responses to that question.

Rick Denton (02:50)
Yeah, and I specifically want to call out Cathy, Xenia, Joel, Courtney, and Pamela. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and contributing to the community. And well, let's just talk about some of the ones that were out there. Courtney shared that now kids, when they're gone, they're really kind of gone most of the year. It is briefer to have them home than it is to have them away. Even in moments where you think you might

reasonably expect to be spending time with them.

Clancy Denton (03:23)
Yeah, like, you now when you used to still have them for spring break or you'd go with them and their friends places spring break now, they're going on spring break with their friends. You know, we were talking to Teagan, hey, what are you going to do for spring break? said, we haven't made our plans yet. And I was like, well, do you want to come home at all? Or do you want to go try to do something? And she said, well, I don't know. You know, and she also turns 21 this year. And she's like, well, I kind of want to be

in Tucson for my birthday, which is also Easter weekend. I said, if you don't come home between now, then you won't be home until at the end of the semester. And she was like, ⁓ no, I'll come home for part of spring breaks. And for those who kids are past the college phase, they're really not home.

Rick Denton (04:17)
Well then, yeah, home is just a vacation at that point. It's not a return home. And even summers are no longer, for those that have the kind of college kid that traditionally come home in the summer, well, they have their jobs, they have their internships, they have their travels that they are already planning. that's something I think you don't quite realize as well until it is they're going back after that first holiday period. That's when you realize what just happened.

that holiday moment was the fleeting moment as opposed to this is kind of the home base. And I think the reverse was true. I used to remember that as a kid when I was coming back from college that that's when I realized, wait, I felt more connected to my college than I did to my home right around that time.

Clancy Denton (05:04)
Yeah. it's, you know, Tegan still comes to our house. You know, Tanner was only home for three days around Christmas because he went back to his place in Dallas. Now we saw him a lot during that, during the break, but you know, she was still physically under our roof. You know, one thing you talked about the summers, I really do hope that we can continue the

family, some sort of family vacation in the summer and bring your significant others once y'all have kids, bring the kids and just, I really do want to try to establish that because we didn't do that with either of our families, but I really want to try to make that happen.

Rick Denton (05:54)
Well, it's travel is bribery. Right.

Clancy Denton (05:57)
We gotta pick some good places. That's right.

Rick Denton (06:01)
And when I was a young adult, ⁓ before you and I were in a serious relationship and on into marriage, I was still joining my parents on trips. so travel is bribery for connection. Absolutely. I have no shame about using that mechanism. Now, it's not just the humans that get affected. So Pamela was telling a sweet story about the family dog crying when

the dog noticed the emptiness that had been left behind when theirs had left back for school.

Clancy Denton (06:38)
Yeah, the pets do. They get affected as well. And then it makes you, you know, sad to see them affected that way. I remember and Miso, he just goes and looks in her room. He sits outside of it, but he just looks in her room. And then when she was here, there's a place on our landing that he would sit there because he could see her room and then he could see us downstairs. But now...

that she's been gone for what, a couple of weeks now? I don't know, it's only been a week. There's a lot of life that has happened between that time and now. He doesn't venture upstairs as much anymore, but I will say his safe space, if there's someone who rings the doorbell or a voice he does not know, his safe space is under her bed and he still continues to treat that as his safe space.

Rick Denton (07:36)
And it always will be his safe space. One of Tegan's friends told an interesting story. I had the chance to pick her up at the airport. She told an interesting story about how when she came home for Christmas, it took a couple weeks for her cat, and it is her cat, to reestablish that she was the cat's person. the cat, all right, look, you've been gone for a while, had attached to Tegan's friend's mom.

And she said, what was kind of sad is it was right in the last few days that he had converted back to treating her as his person. And then she's going to jet out again. I haven't gotten an update from the family as to what the cat is doing. I probably just, know, like cats do just switch off. Right. Yes. Initially though, I'm sure there was some staring into rooms and wonder, Hey, where, where'd my person go? Joel shared about traditions and

Clancy Denton (08:23)
next person.

Rick Denton (08:36)
I'll paraphrase a bit, but almost how the impact and the importance of traditions get amplified when you are under the same roof, because it could be the last time that you're under the, you never know when it's the last time, especially when significant others get added to it and we need to talk about rotations and those sorts of elements. You really don't know, is this the last time we'll have the air quotes for those of you not watching, you know, the

traditional family Christmas.

Clancy Denton (09:07)
I think, you know, if you listen to last week's episode where we talked about indulging, I think probably a little bit in my mind, was thinking, okay, I want to do everything they want to do and everything that we want to do because yeah, this, who knows, you know, we are going to have to eventually share our kids with other families. And so, yeah, it's, you probably have that in your

the back of your mind subconsciously that you don't really think about. But I still wanted everything to be decorated the way they know, everything to be comfortable for them. It was also nice this year. Like I said, Tanner went back to his town home, but it was great because we then could move some of our traditions to Dallas, know, started doing some different things and having fun with.

his girlfriend and her parents who are our friends. And yeah, so it was fun to create some new traditions that may stick around.

Rick Denton (10:18)
I it's interesting to hear you say that we were trying to jam it on there. I hadn't thought of that consciously, honestly. I just wanted to overindulge. Now what's good is I have an excuse. I was doing it for family bonding.

Clancy Denton (10:34)
You

Rick Denton (10:36)
Can I use that on random Thursday in March? You know, I feel like I the family to feel closer together, so let's overindulge.

Clancy Denton (10:45)
I don't think you need an excuse, but okay.

Rick Denton (10:49)
Zinnia shared one and it was this idea of purposely cementing and creating memories so that that's the legacy that you're left with. And she tied it to her own experience as a kid and knowing how her mom treated things and then working to do that and also working to do that even more so with her kids as they were home for the holidays. And I see that.

I want, and it's not like it's something unique and this just shocking, wonderful epiphany, but I really do want the kids to have these positive memories. so you, especially now, now to say you overindex, you just really think very consciously, I've got to have this, I've got to have this, I've got to have that to make sure that their traditions are cemented and that the legacy of what the family

unit was at that time of life continue to stay that way in their mind.

Clancy Denton (11:50)
Yeah. And we talked about, you know, some of the foods that we bring in and yeah, I mean, they were like, are you making another batch of Texas trash, dad? Mom, we have to have the monkey bread on Christmas morning, which I had scrapped. But then I was like, okay, I got to, yeah. So there were things that we did make sure that yes, they were there and, things that are always there. And I hope that they

you know, if they can pass those on to their children or they can create new ones with, you know, their own family. I'm not going to be that mom that's like, have to do this because this is how we did it. No, we created our own traditions when we became a family unit.

Rick Denton (12:36)
I like

that you brought that in because you can think back to how you, you Clancy, I Rick, and then you me, Rick Clancy, took what we experienced from the past and then evolved it into our own traditions. And now that we have the perspective of experiencing that as the kids and then as the young adults creating our traditions, I think that's a wisdom that we can make sure that we don't.

get to.

guilt trippy with our kids around, but we always have done that tradition. We know what the evolution looks like and we love what our evolution has looked like. so supporting that and heck, the kids in whatever phase it's going to be or what it's going to look like in their next stages of life, they might come up with some things that are actually downright great.

Clancy Denton (13:30)
Yeah, I found myself also talking about making memories and doing activities. I kind of nudged a little bit Tegan on a couple of things like, you know, I said, let's go to the Galleria. I haven't been there in years. I want to see it decorated. And we had a blast that day that we went to the Galleria. I mentioned going to a movie one afternoon and she was like, well, and then, you know,

came around, it was great. We had a great time. So I was trying to incorporate a few more things like that with her. So I really did try to put some things in her head, like, I do want to do this and I would love for you to come with me. And yeah, and then it ended up great. had a great time.

Rick Denton (14:17)
So all that, thank you all for those of you that did contribute. And if you ever want to be a part of the Facebook community, it's there off of the loudquiet.com, a button you can go there and get invited into the community. I wanted to ask you a question. I think we got a little more time here.

Clancy Denton (14:32)
Okay.

Rick Denton (14:35)
We talk about how it feels easier with each step, becoming in the empty nest, it's now our second, approaching our third year of being in this empty nest.

What is it about this Christmas holiday that just feels a little more sad when they go back? Why?

Clancy Denton (14:58)
Each

Christmas holiday or this one in particular? Are you talking about like just the Christmas holiday itself? Because that is a proven thing. It's the post-holiday blues. And I think it's because Christmas is the one holiday that you put so much effort into. I mean, you put your decorations up as soon as Thanksgiving's over. So they're up the entire month.

You know, if you do that, if you decorate, you know, also there's all kinds of other different holidays during the month of December that also have a lot of food traditions, those kind of things revolved around. So for me, I know, and I saw people talking about that, you know, we're now midway into January, but it's still coming down off of that. You put so much effort.

to making sure that it's just enjoyable for everyone. That it's probably a mix of yes, you're sad to see your children go, but you're also sad because the lights are down in the house. know, you're not, you know, making all the fun dishes that go along with it. You're not unwrapping presents. So I think there's just probably, you know, I know there are studies out there about the holiday.

depression blues that happen. So I'm sure that's just probably part of it.

Rick Denton (16:31)
That makes a lot of sense, right? That it's just woven into all the holiday feeling. I got another, at least, Rick hypothesis, and it's because the break is so short. Like if I compare it to the feelings when the kids go back after summer, and now Tanner, like we said, is long gone and out, but when Tegan has gone back after summer, well, she's been with us that long. We joke about it. It's like, all right, we're ready for our house again. And I think there's that element of it that...

because it was so short, hadn't quite gotten to that point of we're ready for our house again. And now that we're back at it, it is nice to be back at the true empty nest. Although I will say, because of the travel that we've done after she's gone back and that sort of thing, ⁓ there's still been a couple of times that I've actually been looking upstairs expecting her. it hadn't quite gotten there. But it is great to be back in there. just think that this...

Clancy Denton (17:15)
We haven't really had a chance.

Rick Denton (17:27)
this season particularly, even though you and I have gone through this now multiple times, because of the brevity of it, it comes back a little quick.

Clancy Denton (17:36)
I would agree with that. And there's also so many more activities. you're doing, you know, there's not a lot of just downtime sitting like there is in the summer. And so you packed in all these activities in the span of, know, she was only home for three and a half weeks. It was very short.

Rick Denton (17:54)
So if someone's got the blues, and I mean, we're certainly not psychologists or therapists or anything like that, but how have we navigated, you know, just kind of getting back into it after they leave?

Clancy Denton (18:08)
For me, it's getting back to a routine. And I know, yes, we were a little disrupted because we had PodFest, which was a nice distraction for the first week of being back into things. But now I'm like really ready to, okay, let's get back into our routine. Let's get back into the things that we had pushed to the side. I think that and just, you know.

Find your community. If you haven't found a community yet, we would love to have you become a part of our community. You can see that everyone is going through the same things. You know, I could have put any of those answers that everyone answered because we're all going through it. So yeah, find a community, find a new hobby.

Rick Denton (18:50)
Well, I think that's what I would add to that, or maybe just almost themize. I'll just make up words as I'm going along today. ⁓

Clancy Denton (18:59)
That's great,

since we, you know, just wrote a book. They're just making up words.

Rick Denton (19:04)
Yeah, the copy editors had a fun time with some of the stuff in there. Is be intentional. And it's, I think in this, especially for parents of college kids who have come home for the holidays or going back, this is one that the intention behind thriving in the empty nest is perhaps even harder than that first time because the first time is you're still so shocked.

And then you got used to it and then they've come back. now there's not the same impetus to go force yourself into that. There's the risk of falling back into some inertia. This is the time to remind yourself of what that meant. If you're single, that means, you know, dive into finding your community, getting out and doing the activities that make you thrive in the emptiness. If you're a couple, it's reconnecting as to what that means for you.

in your couple-ness together and what that means to enjoy each other as a couple without kids, it's that getting back to the intention that I kind of think is harder to do in January than it is in September.

Clancy Denton (20:11)
Well, yeah, for one thing, it's freaking cold. Well, then, snug it up. What do you like to do? We like to go for a walk, and that's where we have some of our greatest talks. it was 22 here this morning, which I know for some of y'all, that's not that cold. But for us Texas people, that is cold, and I'm not leaving my house.

Rick Denton (20:31)
And we're not gonna go on some walk together on the treadmills next to each other. So heck, we don't even go to the same gym together.

Clancy Denton (20:38)
Yeah.

Rick Denton (20:41)
We love each other, but you can't come to my gym.

Clancy Denton (20:43)
Yeah,

don't work out with me. So yes, finding your groove again now that they've gone back and knowing that some of them will be back home in the next few months and we get to start all over again with changing up our routine since they're home.

Rick Denton (21:06)
Yeah, enjoy it while they're not.

Clancy Denton (21:09)
We appreciate y'all so much for the comments. If you have a question that you want to put out there, send it to us and we'll put it out there. You know, if you're looking for answers.

guidance, just send us that question on our Facebook group and we'll put it out there. And again, you can find the Facebook group at theloudquiet.com. Hit that community button at the top. And thanks for listening to another episode of The Loud Quiet.